Let me tell you a tale. When I was a young lad I was sent to summer camps as most kids were however the one I was sent to was at a boarding school. These summer camps are mainly used as marketing tests and advertising for these boarding schools and it’s not uncommon for parents to send their kids to these camps the summer before ninth grade to give the kids a taste of hell. I found it bitter-sweet. The one I was sent to was as diverse as a can of peas. All the same size shape and color. 500 brats from some of the richest families in Virginia. This was an Ivy league testing ground not a school. Every student will go to college most to a top 10 school. From a young age these kids are reared on rank, conquest, marketing, respect, dress codes, no free time, hazing and a structure that would rival most military bases. These will be the future senators, leaders of industry, religious leaders, and heads of state. Competition is fierce and social rank is the highest order based on years spent at this camp. Separations are 1st year, though 4th year. Everything is based on this rank from where you are bunked, your roommates, your class, position on playing field, duties on dorm and even your seat at meals. Being a 1st year in the age group where 4th years are most common I was thrown into the fire. On my floor I was 1 of 5 1st years so isolation and hazing was my norm.
Not being one to take it willingly I thought the structure of this institution was in need of new management. Me. First I had to have my room assignment changed to bunk all the 1st years on my floor in one room and my army was started. After a week of team building, mutual support, confidence building, respect and protection I had whipped these four kids one a bed wetter into my lieutenants. Using the bureaucracy against itself I found a long ignored bi law that said a petition can be used to raise a new sports team. Using my lieutenants votes and the votes of a few ringers I scouted, my team was formed. Team bad ass was the best only first year lacrosse team in our camp. If you have never played lacrosse it is incredibly difficult and takes a measure of team play, finesse, quick thinking, strategy, endurance, pain tolerance, patience and aggression unrivaled on a sports field. Football, hockey, and soccer bow down to the complete lack of rules lacrosse requires. Basically all you can’t do is swing your stick like a bat and hit your opponent in the head. This is a stupid rule because the head is the most protected part of the body and physical injury almost impossible to inflict. We all go for the ribs and legs where their is no padding. Your enemy can’t focus when you’re spearing him like a swordfish in the ribs with an aluminum stick. After days of this brutal practice my army was ready for anything and I plotted my next move.
At these camps it’s normal for all the counselors to get together one night sneak out and get drunk and laid. Ever seen Jason? Shit is true. I bribed, scammed, bamboozled, flimflammed and hoodwinked this date out of my counselor and waited for the “authority” to be removed from the equation. I told my army of my intentions and every 1st year who had been paddled, pranked, made into the hall maid, used as skeet in lacrosse, rat tallied, mocked in the shower, assigned tray duties, benched during games, and ridiculed made my force. This was lead by team bad ass in an organization that would rival our military. Allegiance was sworn and final solution a few days away. We would give it back to all those who used rank against us. We would fight terror with terror and the gloves were off. When the night arrived and counselors vanished off to the woods for a fire and fuck we attacked. I separated my force into three teams. Alpha mine was the largest and took the senior dorm head on. Bravo and Charlie rushed through the others hazing the 4th years and assimilating the other 1st years until an avalanche of righteous genocide washed over the dorms in a night of broken lacrosse sticks. We destroyed personal property, hazed and tied up the seniors, threw dorm furniture out windows and basically raised hell as best 200 13 to 15-year-old 100 pound kids could do. At the preassigned time we melted back to our rooms leaving a wave of destruction unrivaled in boarding school history. No building was left untouched and a snow of TP covered the campus. Gambling the school could not expel all 200 of us and the fear of what might happen if they expelled me, the general of the 1st years, an amnesty was issued to me and army of bad ass mother fuckers or the ABAMF. What I’m a Serb?
The next day went on with only a reference in chapel that any further insurrection would be met with stern reputations. I was called to the head master and given a stern warning from a broken man with no good cards. The horrified seniors never again ridiculed my boys. Dorm duties were reassigned in all dorms equally based, hazing was no longer tolerated, everyone took up their own trays and everyone got time on the field. Peace, generosity and a mutual understanding reigned and I made those future heads of states Virginia Gentleman who always remember people should not fear their government, government should fear their people. And we are all made equal under what ever god you fucking choose. And me? I went to the boarding school for bad kids and fit in nicely. We called it the Rock and I was Vice President of the school. President had to much responsibility although I was president for six weeks when the president was thrown out for weed.
Long live the writers