So America I’ve calmed down slept on it and had my rum and cokes to lube the brain and here is my plight. Why is America ruled by fear and not courage? My girl, date, friend, irrelevant. A human being and a really kind one was broken down on I95 yesterday on her way to my house. Not only was my weekend ruined by ford (found on roadside dead), but yet again I was reminded of the complacency of America. Two hours waiting for her dad to come and get her because she had only just started her 6 hour drive to my place. Thousands of fellow men and woman, Americans, drove by her on a really fucking cold day and not one stopped. A policeman on a speed trap across the high way never even checked on her. I’m sure every person who drove by saw her and figured, “I’m in a hurry, she has friends coming, she has a phone, what if its a trap?” Countless rationalizations to explain away the guilt of helping someone in need. Why are we so quick to invade another country, send our boys, my friends, to die or get fucked mentally. But take ten minutes out of your civilian day to help your fellow citizen… Nah we can’t do that. (and yes sometimes we need to bomb a fuck not the point. Drop that fucker… Twice.)
Again I will use my life as an example. I sold some drugs in college. Not scar face or anything more like the first half of blow in cali, I never hurt anyone, but o yeah I made some money. I quit. Not on any legal basis. I’m smart. The cops were never even close aside from a possession charge which I never served a minute for or even handcuffed for a second. Me 1 : DEA 0. I quit because I was tired of being another complacent American just getting mine. My Dad wanted more for my story. Also I started it as a grieving process because my dad died which I got over but read the my life or my book I’m getting off topic. Being good (Gentleman) in my opinion has nothing to do with not breaking laws, not drinking to much, never getting a lap dance, or even not smoking a little weed. Its being a good person. You who do nothing but keep you head down and point your finger at your T.V. fail my test. An absence of crime does not make a moral person. Its seeing your fellow man helpless and doing nothing because of fear. That makes you a bad person. Gentleman are ruled by courage not fear. They say yes I can be hurt but it will hurt more laying safe in my bed knowing I did nothing. A rich life can be a short one and evil will only prevails when Gentleman do nothing. And I’m a Gentleman Mother Fuckers. However throw some dollars somebody has to put those girls on the poles through college.
Follows is a chapter from my book Playing Your Hand Right: Showing America How to Live. Bonus chapters only in the book so don’t think its all in this blog. This is a story of one of my moments of choice which I made as a Gentleman. Maybe you will stop next time to help and be a Gentleman yourself. That’s you too ladies.
Yesterday, you proved my point America. You need me to show you how to live. I was coming home from a new haircut and a damn sexy one I might add. I see across the street a mom and daughter broken down on the road during rush hour. To paint the picture, I live downtown in my state’s capital and the main hub is four lanes with a very pleasant grassy area with trees as a median. So on the other side, I see traffic is backed up so I’m rubber necking like everyone else and see a Toyota Camry with a mother and daughter broken down. I turn my 5’6” 140 pound ass around (not the best help pushing a car also I know shit about cars; I’m a sailor), pull over and jog to the car. I get there and see the COEXIST bumper sticker, my favorite. I have the original on my front door. They are in the left lane and luckily, there is a parking space open on the side of the road across the other lane of traffic. The street is getting backed up but people are still flying by a single mom and her daughter that looked like she just got off soccer practice.
I get to her car and frankly scare the shit out of her when I knock on her window. I’d shouted as I approached but her windows were up and the traffic was loud as countless cars rushed by. Not Gentleman approved: driving by a woman broken down. I say, “Let’s push you out of traffic and to the parking spots before some drunk hits you.” My Grandpa always said, “Drive safe. The roads are full of drunks and damn fools.” Luckily she had a stick shift, just like me, and we were waiting for a break in the traffic to push the car across the street.
Just as I was about to yell push to the ladies, a pick up truck pulls onto the side of the street and a fellow Gentleman, thank God a large one, leans out the window and shouts, “Need a push?” I shout, “Hell yeah.” He pulls the big truck across both lanes blocking traffic, jumps out, gets next to me on the trunk and we line backer this car across both lanes and into the spot as I shout, “Like a glove.” I go to shake his hand and thank him, but like a crack head running from a debt, he was gone like a flash; never to be seen again. Thanks, dude. You’re Gentleman approved. The Mother said thank you so much, Sir. I replied the Sir is buried; call me Oceans and I left. She had already called a tow truck.
People for the love of God stop for each other; COEXIST. I will condone drugs used responsibly, drinking till blackouts, and orgies but only with condoms or preliminary STD checks for all incorporated in the orgy. But I cannot condone the actions of all the people who drove by. How many cars do you think drove by that woman and little girl without even giving two flying fucks? Shameful America.
And now to the Parents. That’s right, Parental units, be a good example for once. As blink 182 said, “If we’re Fucked up, you’re to blame.” How many parents drove by and didn’t help with their kids in the car? What kind of a message does that send? Sorry, little Jimmy, we are headed to the food store. That is way more important then helping your fellow man for five damn minutes. Not even fellow man, woman and daughter. Christ, America, if my sister was broken down on the road and you drove by not caring, I would drive over your nuts so you could not contaminate the seed of humanity.
One of the greatest memories of my Father is when he pulled over to help a car on the side of the road. Really both my parents always stopped. It turns out that a girl from our hometown had blown a tire on the bridge coming back from college. Somehow she maintained control to the end of the bridge and got to the shoulder. Dad said stay in the car while I check this out because it was dark. He saw the problem and told me to come see. I watched my Dad calm this poor panicking girl and we gave her a ride to her house, which was right down the road from mine. The entire time she just said, “Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, I was so scared” over and over again. She had been there for three hours. That night she could have frozen to death on the side of the road because no one in our small town gave two flying fucks to stop and check the car. Look for the sock in the window, America. This was the world before cell phones and when she got home, I will never forget the look on her parents’ faces.
I’m part Serb and we are not all crazy. Well, I am. My favorite Serb tradition is the mitzvah, also in Hebrew. This is the word for good deed and my Grandmother said we should do one every day. Helping that Mom and daughter push the car was a good mitzvah yesterday. I still got drunk that night, I still got high, and I still got laid on the couch, the floor, and in the shower (chicks love a rescue story). Drugs and alcohol do not define you. What you do for your fellow man is what defines you: a Gentleman.
Next time you see a car on the side of the road getting help, it might be me pushing. Stop and help, I’m small, but I always help my fellow man. We are all stuck on this planet together till we get to Mars, or blow ourselves up. Don’t forget Zombies. So we may as well shut the fuck up, get drunk, possibly high depending on your state, have some protected consensual sex, and just COEXIST.
As Always buy my book and tell your friends trying to be a writer here. Available on kindle for three bucks and hard copy off amazon.
Long Live the Mother Fucking Writers