Aside

Getting a coconut

Now this is one that seems fucking straight forward, but after making an ass of myself trying to do it and a 70 year old bohemian gets three at one try I will spare you guys the embarrassment because lets face it. Its my job. So I was 7 and my Mom just remarried and the whole new family goes to the Cayman Islands because lets face it my mom married some money. Seriously it’s as if I didn’t get to fuck in the play boy mansion because I was too young and as soon as I got swagger the huge house with the jacuzzi leaves my arsenal. Damn you divorce.

So seven and on the beach for the first time faced with a coconut tree. So first- throw something up there to knock them down obvious. Big rocks – near by –– this will be no problem. Throw, hit, no coconut. Throw hit, no coconut. Throw miss. New rock. Throw hit –––no coconut. Throw miss, hit, miss, hit, hit, hit, hit, fucking hit, fuck you tree I hit it. Hit no nut. Fuck you tree I’m the top of the food chain give me food. Hit, Hit, miss, miss, miss, miss, fuck you tree. Big fucking stick I’ll throw that. Fuck you tree give back my stick. New rock, throw, miss, fuck you tree and your fucking nuts. I demand a coconut bitch I’m an American. We can split the fucking atom, but I can’t get a fucking coconut. Fuck you bitch I’m climbing you. Shit this is sharp, fuck, ouch, fuck, pain, almost there, fuck you gravity! Fall, pain. Fuck you tree I’m not giving up, climb, climb, pain, fuck you tree, fuck you wind, stop swaying the fucking tree, this bitch is sharp. Ouch, pain, fuck, coconuts one point, American zero. Every curse word know to man since 1358. I’m seven.

Enter the wise old Bahamian. So he walks up saying nothing merely motioning with both his hand slowly that I should back up. Suddenly he reaches into the sand lifting a twenty foot water pipe like a giant fulcrum and at it highest point it intersected the coconuts knocking them down. I felt like an ass. This old man had gotten three coconuts with the minimal effort in mere seconds. Did I mention the embarrassment?

So class keep a large rain pipe under the coconut trees and you get easy coconuts for life and you can be spared the embarrassment of looking like a tourist.

Lighting a fart on fire

So one night on dorm, being sent to boarding school, my buddy was bored and wanted to light a fart on fire. He fully committed to this by lying on his back dropping his pants and throwing his legs over his head. I think he was going for a flaming oil rig and if that’s not trade marked consider it coined. Here’s the fart, the light and o my god it burst into flames. Get out of the way. “The worst catastrophe in the world the flames, oh the humanity, O God’.” That was the Hindenburg if you didn’t get that joke it was that brutal. So my buddy is a hairy guy and when I say hairy, I mean chewy would tell him to get a back wax. Well men you know we have hairy asses, and a select few have hairy asses, that connect to hairy backs, which is connected to hairy necks, which is connected to the hair on your head. So my bud on the ground with a flaming ass, and back, the flames rapidly moving up his back to his head. He gave a new meaning to stop drop and roll because he had stopped, dropped his pants lit himself on fire & rolled all over the carpeted place with a flaming oil rig coming out of his ass. I’ve never been in war, but they say the smell of a battle field is the worst smell ever, but I will say my bud’s shitty, flaming ass, would give it a run for his money. So being kids in boarding school when the flames died down and we stopped laughing and I mean the kind where you fall over and do you’re best not-to-piss yourself. We realized the night time security guard would be along soon due to the the murderous screams and hysterical laughter and we did what kids do when in trouble. We ran away.

For the record my bud was fine, minus his back hair up to his neck in places. So kids what did we learn from this. Lighting farts on fire is a bad idea if you’re the one doing it..

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