Air port security
One day on my farm I awoke and started my day as I usually did by firing at targets with a shotgun a hundred yards away in the field. Far better than a cup of coffee. Nothing like a controlled explosion in your hands to start the day. Now this day in particular I was on my way to the airport to celebrate my 19th birthday in Miami with my old high school buddy. My bags were packed, I was ready to go and I was ready to leave on a jet plane. And this is where the problems begin. I drive to the air port and get into line at airport security. After the standard 2 hour wait (fuck you airports!), I finally got to put my suitcase on the belt for the X-ray inspection. Shoeless, wallet-less, belt-less, watch-less lighter-less, and they even took my fingernail clippers. I put my bag on the X-ray machine and walked through the metal detector. As I walked through the metal detector I hear everyone’s worst nightmare: “BAGCHECK”. The security officer looked at me and asked why my bags tested positive for gunpowder residue. Me being stoned and curious I was more perplexed at how they’d figured out that I’d fired my shotgun that morning I said the worst thing I possibly could have “you can tell that?” in which he said “security” and pressed a button under the counter which I had not noticed. I was suddenly engulfed by 6 security officers who had emerged from a hidden door behind the advertisements in the wall. I hadn’t even seen the door. I raised my hands shouting “DON’T SHOOT I’M A FARMER.” I told them my morning wake up routine, which all of them thought was a really good idea. They checked my bag apologized and let me go on my merry way. And that’s why you don’t fire a shotgun before leaving for the airport.
When going to the movies, there are many considerations to make and things to bring. To start, don’t be a slob. Sure, get the popcorn and the drink, but come on, fatties, no one wants to make out with someone who tastes like nachos, not to mention your salty hands can’t go to the fun places. That’s just rude. TRY A NAPKIN AMERICA. Also, the movie you’re attending is to be considered. If you’re planing to apply yourself in a manner normal for high school kids, it’s important to have a movie that suggests the right mood. Stay away from movies with excessive torture, rape, or any scenes that make it difficult to stay focused and in the mood. I took a chick to see The Passion of the Christ when I was a kid. First mistake: letting her pick the movie. Gentlemen, always pick the movie before you go so she can’t use time constraints to rush you to see your lord and savior having his skin ripped off. Also no woman wants to be fondled while they are watching the graphic depiction of a woman’s rape. Which brings me to my next story, of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I’m trying to mess around with a chick in a theatre with one other person in it, many rows ahead of us. Try to turn on a chick, or even be turned on yourself, when a woman is raped, then retaliates by raping her rapist and tattooing ‘Rapist Pig’ on his chest. Not exactly a turn on.
Now, for things to bring. First of all, you take the risk of appearing cheap if you show up to the movie with bottles of soda and bags of microwaveable pop corn. One time, at the ripe age of seventeen, I decided (with a hefty influence of marijuana stimulating my hunger) to infiltrate a Theatre with a large bacon pizza, to appease my munchies. Now in theory this sounds like a genius concept properly taking into consideration, pragmatic thought and proper theoretical application. I was standing in line with the pizza concealed in the back of my ski jacket parallel to my body convinced in my own greatness. With about 4 people ahead of me to go the scolding hot grease proceeded to leak out of the pizza box down my back and into even more discreet and sensitive areas of the body. I then pondered my options while in line to have my ticket checked. Option 1: the first was to run screaming to the bathroom “ow it hurts ow it hurts the pain screw you little Caesars! It came it saw it burned me!”. Option 2: hope that what had already leaked was the max leak and that it couldn’t get much worse. Take the pain smoke more weed in the theater, eat the pizza in the theater and never tell my buddies how it burned my ass. So anyway I went with option 2 because I really wanted to see this movie and I really wanted to eat that pizza in it; besides, I was really really high so its easy to cast aside such concerns as a burnt ass. So now that you’ve seen how a trip to the movies can go horribly wrong it brings to mind how a gentleman should use careful consideration before any endeavor. And never forget the law of gravity and how it effects hot grease.