So one day back in college I found myself really high in class. I didn’t even mean to go there that day. I just all the sudden realized I was in class like one of those bad dreams, but luckily I had on pants. So I tune into what the professor is saying and she is muttering something about how it is presentation day and since I’m never in class I got the shit end of the stick when the day to pick your turn came. I got slot three in a two day presentation thing. I ask the girl next to me what the fuck is going on and she, looking appalled that I had no idea what the project was about explains we are on the body language chapter and we have to do body language to a song. Isn’t college a waste of money? The class was argument and reasoning. I thought Jesus how stupid and easy is this and the girl says, but it doesn’t matter you are third to go which means you have eight to ten minutes to pick a song and plan a thing.
No problem I thought to myself I can do a test grade project in eight minutes. I learned three chapters of developmental physiology in four minutes and took an a exam. This will be fun. I ask to be excused to go to the bathroom and I’m gone eight minutes and counting. Now when people say they had to run across campus they normally mean something shorter. I had to literally run across campus. It was a good mile across with many hills. Six minutes and counting. Some how I have sprinted, hurdled, dashed and darted half way running across the center of campus. Everyone else I see is just happily walking, whereas I’m running as if coked-up flesh eating zombies are behind me. I think I passed road runner and he stuck his tongue out at me. The coyote screeched over our heads attached to an ACME rocket. Weed is fun. Four minutes and counting. I have gotten to my destination: my jeep, Trusty Rusty. Now to save time, my plan is to hop in Trusty Rusty, go through my Cd’s on route, and literally drive back across campus to make up for lost time because I don’t have another mile in me. Four minutes and counting. The first CD is Kings of Leon and the first thing coming to mind is the “I’m soft song”. Images of me acting that song out were just out of the question. Next Flogging Molly and I thought without a beer its just not the same. Three minutes and counting. I’m cursing across a grassy part of campus furiously switching CDs and dodging students. I don’t want to honk because I will attract more attention to my already four wheeling across campus. I put in a mixed CD just as I make a turn and almost run over this couple.
They were holding hands her head on his shoulder probably on acid. They are completely oblivious to the jeep bearing down on them. Everyone else heard my ass coming but they were so in the lovey- dovey acid zone and they didn’t even notice. How inconsiderate of them huh? So I swerve and take out this bush that didn’t have it coming. I always apologized to it as I walked by the rest of the year. I exit the grass into the theater parking lot.
Now there is a huge median about four feet wide and eight inches high separating the Theatre parking lot from the computer lab parking lot which was next to the writing building. So I hit this median going about thirty, bouncing nicely into the air, and landing comfortably in the Comp lab parking lot just one more median to go and I’m there. Two minutes and counting. The entire side of the parking lot was packed with cars except for one spot so I plan to punch the gap, as I go from parking lot to parking lot paralleling to the road. I hit the second median just barley squeezing through, just as this poor professor was trying to park in that spot. I come flying through this spot and we lock eyes as I fly through the air in front of him. Now bear in mind I have my music cranked, my jeep is covered in mud as usual, and I’m high as Zeus on Mt Olympus. The professor frozen in terror completely shocked by the defying of physics and parking code 302. I keep burning ass across the parking lot slam on my breaks parking, like a glove. Ace Ventura would have been proud. As I ran into the building I saw the professor still frozen in his car, staring at me as I apolitically cheese it. I got to the class just as the second person finished.
I caught from the end of theirs that yes we had to illustrate our use of body language as future speakers through a song of our choice. Now I picked The General by dispatch while driving forty in the computer lab parking lot. My presentation was the best. I marched my high ass across her classroom and back, jumped on her desk knocking over some of her papers as if I was jumping into bed and it was great. I just let loose had fun and the weed helped my endeavors. After I was done my professor asked me balls out. She knew me all my professors knew me, I was the smart kid who did the bare minimum. Not on any lazy sentiments but I felt if I grasped the corp concepts why should I waste my time on homework. Isn’t it was just redundant so I was the kid with the A or B test grades and the zero home work and pop quizzes my whole life. So she asks me “Mr. Dude (love this name game) did you do this project just now, because you look a little to out of breath for just that one song. Without hesitation I replied “Yes mam when I went to the bathroom I ran to dorm, drove my car through the green, picked my song song, dodging students, and killing a bush.” She thought for a few seconds on the repercussions of her next words. She said nice work A next presentation. I did nail it better then any of those stogy fucks. They wanted to be politicians I want to be an ass.
So the moral of this story is when you don’t have your homework ask to go to the bathroom and think fast. Don’t give up and remember anything late is better then nothing.