Ever seen the show I shouldn’t be Alive. Well, luckily for your reading pleasure, I’m as dumb as some of the people on that show. Personally I thought they shouldn’t be alive because if they were my kids I would have smothered them by now, but we all make mistakes and judging by this book some make more mistakes. So its Valentines day, my girl wants to go for a romantic trail walk in the mountains of HER GODDAMN HOME TOWN. I was from the sea four hours away. And yes I was birthed by the ocean that’s why I sail so well.
So supplies consisted of a bottle of water in my back pocket and her bottle of water. She had half a pack of smokes and I had a fresh pack. Also a lighter and three condoms. Take condoms everywhere. Take them to see your parents. Maybe they will introduce you to the slut next door. Don’t take one condom. Guys, they break, and if she is having fun why not keep on going, and for you fellow stallions you can just wear the fuckers out and swap them out. And a cigarette case with six joints. Conclude our supplies.
We set off into the woods. Nice day partly cloudy 55 degrees, a warm February day and its about one, two o’clock. We set out into the Appalachian trail. Mountain terrain, heavy forest, light under brush. So were walking down the trail. Good time for a joint. Come to a T junction, I follow her, loving to look at her ass. She was a tramp stamp model.
Walking, walking, smoking, several forks, which way do we go? I don’t know I’m baked. Spark joint two. Smoking, walking, four o’clock, smoking, walking, T junction, walking, smoking, T junction, walking smoking snub it. Drink, looking at her ass, flirt, spark joint three, smoking, walking, really baked, walking, smoking, talking, T junction, HER HOME TOWN, HER IDEA SHE IS LEADING, valentines day. Can we fuck? “Not yet…” she replies Walking spark joint four… Really Really Really Really high.
Of course at some point during this moon walk, she turns to me and says, “Which way?”
So confident as a gentleman I say this way. Luckily we were on a single path and only forward or back were my door number one and door number two. First junction this way. Second this way. Then we come to a three way split. I silently think to myself, “Door number one cold death in mountains, Door number two death by mountain lion, and door number three possible escape if I win at this life or death game a few more times. Five o’clock the prediction of early showers comes true. I’m in the fucking mountains with half a pack of smokes no water and only two joints left and they are getting wet. So finally she asks the question, “Do you know where you are?” I thought to myself yeah lost in your fucking back yard. It was funny though because the whole time I just wanted to tap that hot ass. If they found me frozen to death I’ll be giving God a high five as I hit it from behind doing the doggy style Popsicle. So I say the only plan I’ve got going on since my last sun sighting two hours ago baked out of my mind. We walked west into the woods and if we go west we go deeper in the Appalachian mountains and die tonight of hypothermia because MacGyver couldn’t make a fire in this down pour. Or we could go north where the nearest house is 40 miles away and we die before we get there. We go south and its twenty miles to our town, but it will be dark in two hours so we die tonight anyway or we hopefully get east and somehow run into the highway. Of course I sugar coated it a little, but she took it very well. I was expecting five stages of denial, but I got a calm ‘ OK I’ll follow you.’’ If your reading this pooh for getting us lost, but props for taking it so well. Again twenty minutes from her house she had lived in for ten years. My house four hours away, my second school year in this town where I never left campus. If you knew the town you’d know where I never left campus. Any who in the wood in the fucking rain hopefully going east. Six o’clock we come across a shack. O can’t stress this enough, a shack. Ever make a really cool fort as a kid? Well its called a shack in the rain when your 20. Tin roof in a storm and stick walls. Again the fucking wall is made of fucking sticks and I can see through 50 percent of it. So I ask if I can hit it and she says if I can get her out of there. A reason to live at least. I’m shallow.
So I rip the shack to pieces to make a portable shack and we trek off into the woods carrying a piece of plywood over our heads because its fucking cold as shit in the rain in the mountains in a fucking T and shorts and flops I’d like to add. So walking, portable roof, can smoke joint five on the go. Hour of light maybe, we are walking fast at this point but as fast as a plywood caterpillar or a wooden jackass costume because I know we both felt pretty dumb at this point. Hey what happened to (name omitted ha ha) O he got lost in the woods one day high as shit and died. A hiker found his body a week later after a mountain lion mauled his ass, turned half him into poo, and pissed on the other half after fucking it.
Then suddenly sunset came. Fear, panic, thoughts of cannibalism,
Do I eat her? How did I survive to write this rough draft? A hint…Big foot did not help me. Find out and buy my book.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed my rough drafts.