Busted by SWAT

Busted by Swat in a college dorm room

So class one day I was in my dorm room with a very hot woman, my roommate and his date. We were sitting in the box, which is two bunk beds pushed together, lofted to the top and covered with blankets to keep the smoke from going into the hallway. Finished with a fan to help blow the smoke out the window. We also had a super spoof which I invented. Mount a normal desk fan into a trash can, blowing into the bottom. Cut some holes into the trash can bottom and fill the bottom with drier sheets and or cologne covered toilet paper. The smoke gets sucked into the fan, blown into the trashcan filters through the drier sheets and exits through the holes you cut in the bottom. Any way we are enjoying a nice double date with a hooka full of hash, and all sorts of liquor in the box. My roommate’s date who we will refer to as narky devil bitch leaves and goes to the bathroom down the hall. About ten minutes later, a knock at the door. I look through the peep hole to see a finger covering the hole. I shout “Who the fuck is it” thinking one of my friends were fucking with me because it’s a known rule to not cover my peep hole, I do drugs when I’m not in class. I got good grades. The reply was every town (I’m not telling you where I went to college) Swat and a chill crept up my back. Knowing I was cornered I opened the door to see six fully armed swat dudes. The commander asks if we are smoking something illegal in there.

At this point I don’t know that narky devil bitch had come out of my room, to be ambushed by this fat fuck RA who I lovingly refereed to as cankles to his face. I’m going to say it right now I really don’t like fat people. Yeah about 15 percent of you fatties have a thyroid problem and I pity you guys. I was born with a crooked spine, but you fat fucks who only say you have a thyroid problem get your ass on a treadmill you fat fucks or kill yourselves. I am so sick of babying fatties like they are addicts. You want an addiction try cocain. Addicted to eating or a complete lack of self control? I’ve quit coke and you bitches can’t quit potato chips.

So me and cankles did not get along to say the least and he was apparently listening to my room when this narky devil bitch came out higher then the international space station. She gave up all the goods and between the two of them someone told swat I had guns which never were there. So they ask what we are smoking. Now I’m as high as mars, drunk and staring down the first guns in my life. Sadly it was not the last. The first thing that comes to mind is menthol cigarettes. I told six armed cops we are smoking menthol cigarettes. They give me one more chance then they are coming in, I said, “Please wait here and went to the box.” I find my date and my roommate wishing they were invisible to no avail. I take my dates bag of weed and walk to the door. However I’m a cocky fuck and plan to short the cops by pinching out a bud and dropping it behind me on the floor, knowing I will eventually be searched. I give it to the swat commander as if I’m selling it to him and have half a mind to ask him to leave since he just got his sack which I shorted. Reading my mind the cops shove me aside and make themselves at home by putting me and my roommate on the couch saying get off that couch and we will gun you down. Finding that very fair I stayed on the fucking couch as if my ass was glued to it. Now try to imagine a room where every surface is covered in some type of weed or paraphernalia. It was so much I got distribution of paraphernalia. My roommate got one too for his pieces and I set a record at my college for most paraphernalia and first swat team. They had to get an extra car to hold all the pieces and my weed. I’m talking 40 to 50 bowls of just my own from gas masks bongs to hookas. Every type of pipe made out of just about anything. Did I mention I’m a Macgyver smoker. These cops are basically just walking around in circles trying to figure out where to begin on there paper work and how it all works.

Now I claimed everything because I’m a gentleman, it was my room, my party, and my weed or at least most of it. The girl I was with also had a bag, but she was older then me and about the graduate. I’ve always kind of figured I’d never finish, but I know damn well someone else will not be stopped by my actions, even though it could be argued she was liable for herself, but that is what gentleman do. I wasn’t even having sex with her at that point, but you bet your sweet ass I hit it after I threw myself under the bus for her. So the cops took her down the hall for some interrogation, and she held strong. All she had to do was say everything is mine. Now my roommate was a younger kid and I thought of him as my little brother. Now when I said everything was mine, my little bro from a different mo, jumped up and said no some of is mine and he claimed his bowls. It was foolish because I was already going down for distribution with just my stuff what is a little more, but now he is facing a paraphernalia distribution charge as well. Good kid and a hell of a gentleman, see you at the end of the bar bro. So we are sitting on the couch under guard when suddenly one of them grabs a home made vaporizer build by my roommate. It was made out of a sobering iron, a jar, block of wood, light switch and a piece of clear tubing. The cop turns and addresses us with “I know this is used for weed but how in the hell does it work.” We’ll bro jumps off the couch, rushes up to the cop, and before anyone knows what to do he has his vaporizer in his hand and is telling the swat team to gather around and begins to tell them how his creation works. All the cops say is he should be an engineer. We got good grades fuck you morally presumptuous marijuana laws.

But now the president has been made that I can get off the couch, so I decide to play a few shell games with the cops to try to save my pipe and bat box. They were in my dresser so I had to creep over there and when no one was looking I put them in my pocket walked across the room and hid them in my bed, figuring I’ll be search again. Also I located the bud on the floor and luckily no one had stepped on it. I also put it upon myself to start DJing my own bust starting with ludicrous blueberry yum yum. The cops liked it. Now I got six swat guys in my room, bagging and tagging all my pieces, bobbing there heads and singing “gets your lighters rolling sticky lets get high lets get high got that blueberry yum yum and its the fire.” My life is funny to watch.

I knew that with all the stuff lying around I would be facing five to fifteen. I also knew if they found the three pounds, in my laundry, I had grown myself I would be fucked because I had said I had given them all the weed. Buried in my laundry was a mason jar that could probably hold three boxes of cereal or three pounds of dense nuggets, but it looks like I’ll get away with it. They started searching my bed so I moved the bat box and pipe to my sock draw which they had already searched. At this point I started to wander around the room and peeked out the hall way. There were six campus security out there just chilling in the hall way with three more R. A’s. Again remember this is on the third floor of my dorm. I also see my girl coming back down the hallway with a cop after her saying “I just can’t believe you were in there and not smoking.” Your eyes are red as hell to which I chimed in she has pretty eyes. And walked back to my room. Now the cops were winding down and moving the stuff out to the cars. And I was wondering if I was going to jail. They got all the evidence and proceeded to thank us for being so cooperative and finished with they will not be holding me because we were so nice and informative about drugs. Later the SWAT commander was my character witness and helped me get off with just probation. Thanks man.

They never did find my pipe and bat box. Me and my dad had matching bat boxes, his with a gold line, mine with mother of pearl inlaid in the wood and I’ll be damned if the fuzz takes it. When they were finally gone I retrieved them packed the nug on the floor into the pipe and we got high thanking god we weren’t getting rapped in jail.

The lesson isn’t don’t smoke weed fuck you government. It is except responsibilities for yourself, your friends, and your hot date and things seem to work out. I got probation, the narky devil bitch got thrown out with me and my bro. HAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING RAT .  Hot older chick I protected.  We dated for years and she bought me rum till I was 21. Did I mention she graduated on time 😉  My bro… Took it badly and hung himself a few years later.  Fuck you morally presumptuous weed laws he got great grades.  Could have designed a way to go to mars.  See you at the end of the bar bro.  Sorry for letting you down.

2 thoughts on “Busted by SWAT

  1. This is a true lesson, not sure whether your readers will follow your admonitions! You are trying to warn people, right? Not follow your lead? You have a lot to teach!

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