Dealing with your fathers death
Now this one I could have done better, but hey I was 22. I started by drinking and when I say drinking I mean the fetal position cursing god as you poor liquor into your mouth until you pass out or die either is acceptable. It then goes to an attempted suicide by dealing cocaine in the murder capital of America. I figure if your going out go out like Scar Face, beats a letter by the bed. Tragically I found I was very good at what I did and no one wants to shoot their income. This then goes to pushing my dealers harder and harder by putting more of their money up my nose until one day he just never picked up. I slept with a gun under my pillow for a week not even sure if I would fire back or thank the hit squad. Every time I walked my dog I expected a drive by which never came. I started asking around about my partner and it turns out he was killed in a drive by. My street credit was still golden since he never told anyone about my resent addictions. On a regular day I’d blow six grams probably peeking out around 20 in one night. Twice I felt my heart stopping but I could fix that with two grams to the dome. DO NOT DO EVER! After avoiding everyone for three years I didn’t know what to do but was sure I was completely unprepared to rejoin society. You feel totally overwhelmed with everything and you believe it is all lost. You become consumed with rage and you lash out at anything that seems convenient. You blame society, family, and even your god should you have one. I found him again and kicked him out again. But one day you just let it go. You are just tired of all the hate, the pain, the loss and you just do something. In my case stop dealing, clean up my act and write this book.
Although my mourning wasted three years of my life and countless hundreds of thousands of dollars. Probably five to six, I spent everything I made since I expected to be killed any day. If you can’t make crime pay your dumb. I am out of it alive and a better man for the journey. You have to realize that shit just happens. No one knows how much time we have with each other and it’s never enough. But you have to eventually realize its not your fault or it is and you made a mistake. You have to forgive yourself before you can forgive others.
Life’s problems all can’t be solved by simple tricks , sometimes as my mother said, “You have to pull up your boots and wade through some shit.” I think of my Dad every day. Every time I cook he is with me, every time I hear Eric Clapton or Tom Petty he is jamming next to me. I don’t think you really ever get over something so painful. You just have to keep moving forward, Everyday. Be a Gentleman, accept your losses, and keep going.