Drinking on a date
Gentleman we are not in a drinking contest with these women we are trying to get into their pants. Stop trying to show off how much you can drink often failing ending in embarrassing and inevitable vomiting moments or God whiskey dick. No sorry for party rocking but great song. Gentlemen show off your restraint and self-control. Fake some maturity and it may develop by accident. Learn the value of hydrating with a water with every other drink you order. It will keep you sober longer, help your kidneys and help minimize a hangover which is basically a self-inflicted case of dehydration. But enough of this onto the funny story which proves my point.
So one night I’m out with a banging field hockey player. Ass, legs, tits, face, I give it a ten. We go on a bar hopping escapade like no other. Now this was one of those women who tries to out drink you and I hate to admit it I think she did. So we are going from one bar to another. I’m buying everything and getting half the bar drunk with us where ever we go. We are having a blast, I’m funny, charming, touching her just the right amount, I’m in-like-flint. Then it happens. Can you get us into the after hours bar? At this point I planned to be just the right amount of drunk to get my Serbian hard fuck on. I’m drunk, locked and loaded and she wants to go to the after hours bar which smells like B.O. and strippers which is about the same minus the pussy smell. Before I know it I’m saying “Of course baby I can get you in any where and will go longer then any man.” Perplexed I found myself hailing a cab, getting in and saying take us to the after hours joint. This is the problem. I’m not a member and am not even sure where this place is. Luckily the cabby did and he dropped us off in the darkest dankest alley in the murder capital of America at the time. We get out and this is the tip guys. When she gets out stick your head back in the cab and give the cabby a 20 to hang till we get in. If you can’t get into the club have an escape plan. I walk up to a dark garage door with the name of the place spray painted on it with some puke sprayed on it as well. A good sign. I bang on the door, it opens, the bouncer pegs me for what I am, a runt with a 10 on his arm so I’m either hung or a drug dealer. He was a mostly good judge of character. He asks for my membership card and I slip him a 50. Now Gents a bribe in this case is the only option and it had better be big enough for him to except it. All after hours bars are the same. Drink cost five times as much, so they are used to big spenders, so spend it if you want to hit it. It wouldn’t be uncommon for the bouncer to take the 10 you slipped him, the girl and leave your runt ass in the cold.
So we are in and as all other late night places it stinks like ass which starts the nausea. Now we have had basically every type of liquor, started on beer, and need I mention the huge rails we had been taking all night. So I don’t feel good and we keep drinking because I am the man or at least a hubris schmuck. We have now been drinking for eight hours and she is ready to try that Serbian pounding so we get a cab. Now walking out of the place I realize I have an 80% chance of booting. I thought of going to the bathroom, but if your caught booting in most bars they will throw you out so I have to make it home. We smoke a little weed while waiting for the cab and that worked a little, but as soon as we get in the cab it all goes wrong. He takes the bumpiest longest way home and I’m not feeling well. She is talking and happy I’m pretending to listen without booting. I’m now at 90% chance of boothing and considering my options. Do I tell the cabby to pull over, can I make it home and save my reputation? How the hell am I going to fuck without boothing I can’t even ride in a cab and it happens. Major liquor booth is coming up my throat. I look for anything, damn it the window doesn’t work I need a bucket, God help me I don’t want to booth in a cab with a 10, God save my soul I’ll do what ever you want. Apparently God was taking a shit that second and I boot.
Some how I catch it in my mouth without spraying it all over the back of the drivers head. So there I am mouth full of vomit, in a cab, with a 10. We have three blocks to go and an idea hits me. Keep it in your mouth and when the cab stops hop out and let it out on the other side of the car where no one will notice. She is still talking and has no idea the totally fucked, humiliating, disgusting, situation I’m in. Do you guys remember what it tasted like in your mouths for three blocks? No you don’t I’m the only fucking person on earth who ever got stuck in this situation. Ha Ha suck it God I figured out how to do it and maybe after this I will take her home brush my teeth and let out some Serbian fire. I just have to sit here nod my head, pay the cabby and it will be over in two minutes and no one will be the wiser. Well God desired to smite me with the only thing that could betray my plan. With one block to go she asks me a question and not a yes or no one. I’m fucked I thought to myself. How can I speak with a mouthful of vomit. Well fuck you I’m a gentleman and I want sex, and what came up and is sure as shit going back down and I gulped it. Said, Yes! I am available to go to your beach house. I thought to myself where hopefully I will fuck you because I am going home to throw up something I had already thrown up. We get to her place I said I had fun she gave me the fuck me look I kissed her cheek and got back into the cab. Gents learn from me control your drinking. And its always better to gulp it back down then spray it all over your cabby and hot chick.