The Way to do Valentines Day (drunk) and if u drive drunk I will slam ur balls in the hood

Alright America Kiss my ass on editing and how big a pill this may be to swallow but fuck off im drunk and when I get published they can edit the shit.  So the perfect Day for her… First you will send her to a Spa to have her nails done.  A cheap way to do this is only 18 or 28 dollars at least go for the 28 you cheap bastards.  You expect her to go through the breaking in period of anal get her fucking nails done.  She can look at them when she bits the blanket…  Second the flowers.  Now I used to be worth half a million dollars at 24 so doing this on discount is new to me so if i can do it shut the fuck up.  I’ve had two strippers fighting over the numby on my cock (drugs are bad) with their tongues so the couple shit can be done by all.  At least get her two roses.  Now men since we know shit about the price of flowers here is a bone.  Three red roses from the stand on the street for fifteen bucks is a fucking in the ass without the courtesy of a free drink.  If you don’t plan going to a florist to get six roses for fifteen your getting fucked.  I did not plan so the bitch on the street got her hustle on and got me good.  So this is what you do.  Get creative.  Now I’m drunk so this will not sound as good as it looks but she is taking it home with her so take my word for it it turned out well.  I took two roses I paid 10 bucks for (my ass is sore) some babies breath, and this cool shit called thistle of life.  Some cool blue shit I at least talked her into including.  Now I bound the  stems with some bullshit twine I had laying around cut the leg off some tuxedo pajama pants I had (don’t ask) and the chain form some dogs tags, rolled it like a joint and served it up well enough to make Martha Stuart’s pussy wet.  Because men… and i guess gay women… women want you to do shit that makes you think about them for about an hour.  Now when you include some good rum, perhaps some greens (in certain states), and a good documentary about the battle plan of japan in the pacific, you can arrange flowers without you your balls retracting or packing up and leaving.  So third fouth what ever im drunk free write people.  Dinner…  Her favorite restaurant   Now some would say make reservations this is wrong.  First I just discovered this thing called a budget it sucks.  Take out is always cheaper first and foremost because no booze and LESS tip.  Now fucks.  I used to work in a restaurant and tip on take out.  Not 20 and that’s 20 America they live on tips, tip at least 10% and be happy its just that shut the fuck up.  Do it enough and that restaurant will fucking love you, give you the best reservations, and never spit in your food.  Yeah we really spit in your food and I’ve seen worst.  Try asshole gravy tip fuckers.  Get takeout and let her stay in bed while you get it.  Tell her to keep it warm…  Start watching movies in the warm bed because it is febuary, get the take out order and let her stay.  She will fight you on this because women are “independent” now but don’t let her.  For the record if shit like this turns into a fight let her win she is coming with you.  Now get the food and get into bed.  For the medal of anal take a 5×2 board (gentlemen are carpenters learn on your own time america) lay it at the foot of the bed and dinner is served.  Put on the movie of her choice and pretty woman is acceptable, and dig the fuck in.  Since your eating at home you can get your booze at the ABC saving your money while getting her drunk in your bed. Do the math.  The extra I just added tonight is this.  Her favorite is Suchi how ever the fuck you spell it (uncooked dinner to me) and you eat it with Sake I can spell that one.  The catch is Sake is served at 98.4 degrees F Gentlemen so when you go to the store buy it preheat some water in a pot and put the entire bottle into the water half way in with the top loose so when it heats up it doesn’t explode.  (I am not liable if you blow up, I did this once and the top thing sounds logical but I have no evidence it works aside from the passed out chick next to me.  Fourth fifth what ever is the sex toys.  Yeah The sex toys chapter is coming but yeah I’m a straight guy with a suitcase I’m talking rolling luggage full of toys and sex swing bitches buy one they rock.  Guys our cocks don’t vibrate at 500 RPMs.  No shame in some mechanical help.  We use bull dozers for houses, saws for carpentry  and all kind of mechanical advantages in our over complicated lives so why not complicated the fuck out of sex too.  Magic wand people that is all for now.  gave her a cowgirl outfit, doggy style strap for shower sex and some hot leggins hoes what ever they are called im drunk, that match the cowgirl outfit.  She is from Dallas 🙂  Don’t force her to wear it tonight. Get her off (may not include you if she does she is a keeper) feed her well and she is waking up so im gone.  Maybe I will edit this later.  So gentleman is she doesn’t pass out well fed, cumed, smiling, and loosing her voice your not a gentleman.  Spoil her on those special day and she will do it all the rest of the time.  Besides she just want to braga about getting spoiled to her friends…

So America I’m drunk and may regret this but I have been holding back.  You need you ass smacked and I’m drunk and over confidant because my numbers exploded today.  Also because I have a beautiful woman happily sleeping next to me.  So lay it on me America more drunken clairvoyance or is this a case when I should shut the fuck up.  A gentleman knows when he is wrong… If i am…  So I want the comments bring it fuckers I can take it I have had 13 guns pointed at me.  And thanks for making my blog go from 9 followers to 73 in 48 hours I’m enjoying this more then I thought.


6 thoughts on “The Way to do Valentines Day (drunk) and if u drive drunk I will slam ur balls in the hood

  1. Best romantic advice I’ve read in a long time. Like Robert De Niro said in ‘Untouchables’, “We laugh because it’s funny, and we laugh because it’s true”.

  2. Lol… 2 thoughts on “The Way to do Valentines Day (drunk) and if u drive drunk I will slam Ur balls in the hood” this is the only thing I can get it while reading Ur’s! But Ur article tittle funny already! So yes I like this! Thank you for visiting me, greetings 🙂

  3. Sushi, sake, and sex…hmmm, what a combo! ur a cutie to delight …and I loved the idea of the plank at the foot of the bed…dont forget to throw a pretty tablecloth over it. Take the chocolates out of the box and place on a plate…

    and YOU ARE SO RIGHT…we want you to spend at least an hour making it special and giving it extra thought. It indicates we are not just a duty of the day. You aim to please and we please right back. Kindness begets kindness. You’re a very smart boy ~

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