Surviving Armed Assault

Surviving three robbers in your apartment building

So one night I decree to sleep normal hours like standard Americans. Now I normally sleep from seven in the morning to three in the afternoon, but I wanted to sleep from midnight or nine. So to accomplish this I drink two bottles of wine and take a handful of sleeping pills. Its funny that when you have done some drugs in your life one man’s suicide is another man’s good night sleep. (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME) So I get into bed with my bottles, put on a Bond movie and crash hard. About two hours into my wonderful sleep I am awoken to the sound of tapping on my window. Now my friends have long learned that to wake me up you have to bang on my front window not my front door. Luckily I live on the first floor of my apartment building. Well, this was a fast paced nervous tapping not a wake the up dude tapping. So curious to the source of this sound I put on some boxers and walked into the hallway. I look to the left toward the front door and see no one, I look to the right and see a very strange sight. Now again I’m on two bottles of wine and a handful of sleeping pills so its safe to say my reflex time is diminished. I stare long and hard at these three figures trying to discern their purpose. I realize its three people in masks. One person has a rubber dog mask and the other two have on ski masks. Then I realize that one has a fucking machete. Followed by the conclusion that the other two are also armed, one with a shot gun the other a pistol. Now we stared at each other for a minute trying to figure our next moves. Suddenly without a word they rush me coming down the hallway. They cover fifty of the seventy five feet before I move and all I can do is dive head first into my house kick the door closed behind me and lock it. As soon as the lock clicks they are there trying to kick in my front door. Now if you read the apartment chapter the most important aspect of an apartment is the front door. The zombie apocalypse could happen at any time and so many people are vulnerable to a horde due to their weak front doors. If you think that is crazy then get it for the guys who try to kick it in rob, rape and or kill you. Sorry love zombies. So they are pounding on the door and I have gotten my gun and am set up ready to drop the first one to get through my heavy ass door. I picked my house because the front door is wood, but encased in metal. It is way Zombie proof. And the place has a very nice bar. Also next to me barking his head off is ze Arnold Scarface. My pet bear (mastiff and red lab but 178lbs) If any of them got through my bullets to the head, I’m an expert marksman, then my dog will finish them off.

As abruptly as it all started it ended with the appearance of my city’s finest. Everyone hates the cops till they need them. I hear the burglars shout “Cops” and I hear them run back down the hallway and out the back apartment.

Now that was my perspective want to know what the hell was going on? I got the full story later. Criminals in my city are getting smart. They figure why rob one apartment when you could seize control of the building group all the people living there and clean the whole building out before the cops get called. Now this is a good plan that went incredibly wrong. When they rush the first apartment the one behind me my buddy grabs his dog and runs out his back door escaping the trap. The criminals undeterred go across the hall to the building’s drunk artist. They kick in his front door to see a completely blacked out dark apartment and all they hear is the owner saying, “Get the fuck out of my house.” The criminals not knowing if in the dark somewhere a shot guns waits they leave and close the fucking door behind themselves. Now when my buddy got out he ran to the front of the building and started tapping on my window. I wake up just as the artist is scaring the shit out of the robbers. Now they were in the hallway figuring out what to do now. They broke into two houses and have nothing to show for it but a missing hostage and another possibly armed in a dark apartment. I come out of my door to see what is going on and they rushed me. I ran like like a little girl, locked my door and grabbed my dog and gun. I was saved by my front door. Now when the cops showed up the robbers ran through the back apartment and to the awaiting get away car in the alley. Now this is the funny part. I swear this is true. They throw their guns all over the parking lot making the place look like a South Carolina trailer park at Easter and make the get away to where? The fucking McDonald’s across the street. I shit you not they saw those golden arches and said, “hey you know what I want after a failed robbery a fucking Big Mac.” Now the person who called the cops lived three buildings down and saw them getting ready in his parking lot to come and rob us so the cops were on the way before they even started. Then that guy got to watch them run back to the car, drive away, and go into the McDonald’s drive through. He then called the cops again told them he can see them in the drive through and they were arrested after placing their orders. I swear on my ball sack this story is true.

14 thoughts on “Surviving Armed Assault

  1. You make it sound almost normal. Not sure I’d be comfortable living in your neck of the woods. We seldom lock our doors in the day time (if we are in the house)

  2. Haha! I laughed so hard! I mean, sorry you nearly got shot/stabbed/robbed and stuff. I’m glad you didn’t, but oh god that was hilarious! How stupid can people be?

    D x

  3. Damn right you need a Big Mac after that. On a creepier note, my first response was “Thank God it isn’t just us poor saps in Johannesburg” before I realised justhow creepy it was to be glad other places have crime too. I am sorry you experienced that.

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