Sick for final exam in English class

One day I was very sick. I had no clue what day it was, because I get sick once a year and I go down hard. I had a huge fever, coughing, running nose, nausea, and a bottle of liquid codeine my doctor had given me. Think I had strep but honestly was so fucked up this story is the most blurry . Now I had planned to curl up with my bottle of liquid codeine, rum, and sack of weed when a furious bang enters my ears. It continues, and after a minute of deduction, my codeined ass realizes someone is at my door. Now I sleep naked so I may have not been wearing pants for this part because I don’t remember this part. It was my neighbor who was also in my English class waking me up to go take the midterm. Now before I know it I am in her car. She is driving me to class and I still have my bottle of codeine in my kung fu death grip. Next thing I can remember is she is literally helping me across the street like an old man. This sweet thing is tiny trying to carry my dead weight ass across a busy intersections as I swig my codeine. Next thing I remember, someone is putting a midterm exam in my hand and I have to put down my bottle of codeine to grab it. I’m so wasted I almost spill my codeine bottle. I look up to see my professor shacking his head at me, as my fucked up ass fumbles with a pencil, bottle and test. These three things are clearly to much for me to handle.

So one hand on pencil, the other on the bottle I dig into the test. Now I’m not well read, but our colleges are a joke. Seriously all you graduates, I’m sorry I never did graduate, but what I did was really, really, easy and over priced. I was closer to finishing then you would think with all the drugs and on schedule to either graduate a year early or a semester early. I took twenty three credit hours in a semester once double booking a class. I also worked a full time job. Now ten minutes into this test I’m a third of the way through it. I’m consistently slugging on this bottle and laughing hysterically at the stupidity of the questions. There was Shakespeare, and Greek mythology, and all kinds of shit I covered in high school. So I’m just laughing my ass off pissing everyone off beside me while my friend pokes me with her pencil trying to get me to shut up. Twenty minutes have gone by on a test that should have taken an hour and a half and I’m already to the essays. I have no idea what I have done but my body and brain are some how filling in bubbles. I’m completely surprised by this as I watch myself take this test laughing on codeine.

Then the essays some dumb shit about Dante’s inferno another high school book and I finish the test second with an hour to spare. Now this is in one of those big auditoriums with a two hundred other students in it. All of which are pissed at me for being so loud either coughing, drinking, and laughing. I stumble down the stairs from the nose bleeds falling onto two people as I go. I walk up the professors desk and trip on the steps. His desk was on a stage in the front of the auditorium. The pencil the test go flying. Still vertical top off and not spilling a drop is the liquid codeine. I’m on my back in front of 200 hundred of my classmates, one applaud professor, and three teachers assistants. Holding a bottle of liquid codeine in the air attempting to not spill it while lying on my back.

How do I get out of this jam?  Buy my book and find out.  Link below.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have enjoyed my rough draft.

32 thoughts on “Sick for final exam in English class

  1. I once puked my way through a French final. I made a “B,” which I thought was pretty dang good under the circumstances. 🙂

  2. that’s a darned funny account. your ability to keep from spilling your medicine (a worthy cause, mind you) reminds me of a scene from the tv series “trailer park boys” in which notorious drunk jim leahy blunders down the steps of his trailer without spilling a drop from the glass of precious elixir he’s holding. it sounds as if your college experience was at least a little more uneventful than mine. i got thrown out for having sex with a tree. (Shhh, please don’t tell anyone!) It wouldn’t have been such a problem had the tree not been underage and not gotten pregnant in the deal. The tree’s parents were also opposed to abortion. Now everyone pokes fun at my son, the Woodman, but he’s my boy and I’m proud of him. The kid’s also in therapy since the school opted to saw down his mother–the bastards. Anyway, thanks for liking my most recent piece. I hope your book is selling well.

  3. Thank you for following my blog. Once I’m finished with my current novel I plan on reading yours. I like your style of writing and the snarkiness it carries. Has an essence of Tim Sandlin. Cheers

  4. Thanks for following my blog. This is great, but I’m confused. You have a link to get the completed book, but then said this is a draft. Which is it? I hope it’s a draft due to the grammatical errors. Sorry. I’m a bit of a grammar nazi. I did love the content, though.

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