Hello America here is a Halloween present for all of you. Normally this blog is only the rough drafts of my book, but here is a final copy pulled directly from the book. Don’t forget I’m selling my book for half price for only four more days as a celebration of 8,000 disciples. So America get out your credit cards and take an 8 dollar chance on my book. You guys like my blog so try the book and its bonus chapters not included in the blog. As always thanks for reading and thanks to those who paid full price for the book. I have only gotten one book review back and would love to post more. After you read my book email me your thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org. Link to the book below
And remember no drunk driving. Don’t want to buy my book fine, but I catch any of my boys driving drunk I’m slamming your balls in the hood of the car. I catch any ladies drunk driving I’m paying another lady to hit you because gentleman don’t hit ladies. But they sure as hell will pay to have it done.
Long live the writers
TAPE IN WALLET
Back in the day, I was tending bar at a Halloween party. I was 23, the girl’s house we were at was 21, and most of the kids were underage freshman. So anyone would figure I’m going to get busted for contributing to the delinquency of minors. I figure if they are already delinquents, I cannot contribute to what is already done. So the party is going great, I’m making some money for the girls, and I can drink as much as I want, including Jell-O shots.
Then it happened. COPS! RUN! And every one scatters. Now I couldn’t run because the girls looked to me to deal with such problems and I was fucking one of them so it’s either fix this or find new Halloween pussy. I like a challenge and always have a plan.
Tape in my wallet and a second Halloween costume. Knowing when one of those delinquents gets caught drunk by the cops, he will be asked who gave you the booze. The delinquent’s response will be “Chewbacca,” due to my fine choice of costume, one that covers your face. When the Cops showed up, I ran upstairs to the girls’ room and under her bed was my plan B bag; get one. I rush into her bedroom dressed as Chewbacca to find a random girl sitting on the bed. Without saying anything, I dive between her legs to get at my bag under the bed she is sitting on while stripping off my chewy costume. She is in utter shock and in two seconds I’m in my boxers in the middle of the floor taping bags of illicit material to my stomach and putting on a toga. In ten seconds, I’ve changed from chewy to Socrates and taped my bags of “party favors” to my person and am heading out the door. I left that girl on the bed bewildered as the turkey in the previous chapter.
I got three steps back downstairs when I realize the house is full of cops interrogating the girls. All at once the cops turn and see me and I suddenly realized how truly drunk off my ass I was. The cops tells me to come down and asks if I know Chewbacca. Bear in mind, every girl in the house knew I was Chewbacca. It was as if God himself put these words in my mouth and before I realized, I had already spoken. “Yeah, that son of a bitch got behind my bar, was giving out drinks to the underage kids, and selling drugs. He ran out the back when you guys got here and you may still catch him if you hurry.” Those sons a bitches ran out the back door so fast, light would have felt handicapped. I look at my Halloween date and it was wet for she had just discovered my genius and hoped that genius extended into the bedroom. And on that night it did, kids. I said party on to the rest of the delinquents and the music started back up. Later that night, I hit it like a head on collision and walked home knowing I had renewed my gold standard of Gentleman’s behavior. Stick with your woman and please the fuck out of her.
Now, for the tape in the wallet. This can keep you out of jail. If you can’t be safe, be smart. Use a gift card of some sort, to hold tape in your wallet so in case of a sudden search you have ready tape to attach any illegal merchandise to your person. Take an old card in your wallet, I use a Marshall’s card, and cover it with tape. Duct tape is the norm, but I vary it because duct tape cannot quite do it for me. I use a breathable waterproof surgical tape. If necessary, this kind of tape can be left on the body for an extended amount of time yet is very comfortable.
So Gentlemen, in conclusion, before you go out on All Hallow’s Eve, be sure to remember your supplies:
An initial costume that covers your face.
A plan B costume that may cover your face.
3 condoms, as always.
And the card in your wallet….with surgical tape on it.
With these supplies and proper Gentleman action you can never go wrong on that favorite of slutty holidays.