The Turkey

8. THE TURKEY
Most of my life, I have been sent off to private schools. However, 36 hours into my sophomore year of high school, I was caught with six ounces of incredibly good weed and thrown out that night. As far as I know, I still hold the record for biggest bust and shortest stint. Luckily, the school year had just started so instead of losing a year of education, I was quickly transferred to my local public school. This school at the time was the third worst public school in the state. It was filled with drunken teachers, disinterested students, and a lack for funding in virtually every department. I soon realized why my parents had sent me to private school. Hey America’s parents, sorry to shit in your cereal, but public school may have been good when you were younger, but they are completely unacceptable now and that is coming from an ex-coke dealer.
So one day I was carpooling to school with this red neck. I took to carpooling with him because they beat my preppy ass on the bus. He picked me up at my house and I could just tell he was in a pissy mood this particular day. I asked him what the problem was and he told me turkey hunting season was over. He was frustrated because he didn’t get to shoot something before school that day. This response was completely out of my norm since I had been educated with people who get stressed out over global political events, chicks, and not being able to get this year’s new BMW when they graduated. I wondered about how his response could either help stop school shootings or perhaps directly correlate with them. Should the Columbine kids have killed more or less turkeys? While thinking about how hunting directly corresponds with aggression, I was rudely interrupted by my redneck carpool buddy shouting “TURKEY!” at the top of his lungs. I come out of my daydream of Columbine kids massacring turkeys to see a turkey in the middle of the road. Some of us who like meat, but dislike the act of killing them, would have braked or swerved to dodge the turkey. There was plenty of time. But not my buddy. God bless this life I have lived because damned if I’m the only nut in the tree. This guy proceeds to shout, “DIE TURKEY! HOLD STILL TURKEY! I’M GOING TO GET YOU TURKEY!” as he accelerates toward the completely dazed bird. Startled by the insane redneck bearing down on him, the turkey ran off the road into the trees.
Most people suffering from road rage and temporary insanity would have been dismayed by a turkey beating a feathery retreat into the forest. Well not in this book of my crazy odyssey. This nut swerves off the road in his pickup truck and proceeds to chase the turkey through the woods. I will never forget the turkey. He was in the woods doing a football celebration dance having survived yet another hunting season and a near hit on the road when he looks up and locks eyes with me.

Is the Turkey hit?  Does it Gobble away?  Do we wreck the truck?  Does the Turkey Chuck Norris the truck?  To find out you have to help a new author break out.  Twenty books sold in 60 days of my self published book Playing Your Hand Right and here is another chapter that is only in the book.  So buy my book, help a new author, and as always tell your friends.  I reblog all reviews so send them to me and get some extra traffic to your blog I love your feed back.  I haven’t gotten a bad review yet and have 5/5 on Amazon.  About to break 9,000 disciples and I want all of you to try my book.  Take a chance on me and I will show you how to play your hand right.  Makes a great stocking stuffer.  My tales will make you laugh, will make you cry, and will show you how to live.  Available on amazon.com now, link follows. http://www.amazon.com/Playing-Your-Hand-Right-Showing/dp/1484829794/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1385758593&sr=8-1&keywords=playing+your+hand+right   

Long Live the Writers 

Taylor Oceans

10 thoughts on “The Turkey

  1. This post made me laugh so hard! When I have time I plan to order your book on my kindle. I just hope it’s half as good as your turkey story, that one made me think of so many people around where I live in Texas. Love it.

  2. Yup – another South African…. Thanks for brightening the day by several megawatts. Your writing is screamingly funny and one day hope to own your book…I’m busy writng (which, if you rearrange the letters, spells ‘unemployed’) and am so far, about 24 000 words into the first draft. I still have bloody heaps to learn.

    Thanks for the inspiration though.
    Best wishes
    FFC

    • keep writing. Hate to warn you but I wrote 150,000 at least for this book. Its the third version your reading. What I’m trying to say is don’t quit and dont be afraid to go back to the drawing board. However holding the first draft in your hand may give you a half mast. OK fine full. And I’m unemployed as well. Quit to write full time six months ago. I recommend top ramen. And dream of the days I can get a big fucking steak somewhere.

      • You’re a legend mate. Thanks for the encouragement. 150 000 words you say? [insert appropriate expletives here] Right then. Better get back to it then.

        All the best of luck and may your book be a bestseller.Someone has to knock that Ludlum chappie off his pedestal 🙂

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