DRINKING ON A DATE
Gentlemen, we are not in a drinking contest with these women; we are trying to get into their pants. Stop trying to show off how much you can drink, often failing, ending in embarrassing and inevitable vomiting moments or, God-forbid, whiskey dick. Gentlemen, show off your restraint and self-control. Fake some maturity and it may develop by accident. Learn the value of hydrating with water every other drink you order. It will keep you sober longer, help your kidneys, and help minimize a hangover, which is basically a self-inflicted case of dehydration. But enough of this, onto the funny story which proves my point.
So one night, I’m out with a banging field hockey player. Ass, legs, tits, face, I give it a ten. We go on a bar hopping escapade like no other. Now this was one of those women who tries to out drink you and I hate to admit it, I think she did. So we are going from one bar to another. I’m buying everything and getting half the bar drunk with us where ever we go. We are having a blast, I’m funny, charming, touching her just the right amount, I’m in like Flint. Then it happens. Can you get us into the after hours bar? At this point I planned to be just the right amount of drunk to get my Serbian hard fuck on. I’m drunk, locked and loaded and she wants to go to the after hours bar which smells like B.O. and vomit. Before I know it I’m saying, “Of course baby I can get you in anywhere and will go longer then any man.” Perplexed I found myself hailing a cab, getting in, and saying take us to the after hours joint. This is the problem. I’m not a member and am not even sure where this place is. Luckily, the cabby did and he dropped us off in the darkest, dankest alley in the murder capital of America at the time. We get out and this is the tip, guys. When she gets out, stick your head back in the cab and give the cabby a 20 to hang till we get in. If you can’t get into the club, have an escape plan. I walk up to a dark garage door with the name of the place spray painted on the door with some puke sprayed on it as well. A good sign. I bang on the door, it opens, and the bouncer pegs me for what I am, a runt with a 10 on his arm so I’m either hung or a drug dealer. He was a good judge of character. He asks for my membership card and I slip him a 50. Now Gents, a bribe in this case is the only option and it had better be big enough for him to except it. All after hours bars are the same. Drinks cost five times as much, so they are used to big spenders, so spend it if you want to hit it. It wouldn’t be uncommon for the bouncer to take the 5 you slipped him, the girl, and leave your runt ass in the cold.
So we are in and as all other late night places, it stinks like ass, which starts the nausea. Now we have had basically every type of liquor, started on beer, and need I mention the huge rails we had been taking all night. So I don’t feel good and we keep drinking because I am the man or at least a Huburis schmuck. We have now been drinking for eight hours and she is ready to try that Serbian pounding so we get a cab. Walking out of the place, I realize I have an 80% chance of booting. I thought of going to the bathroom, but if you’re caught booting in most bars, they will throw you out so I have to make it home. We smoke a little weed while waiting for the cab and that worked a little, but as soon as we get in the cab, it all goes wrong. He takes the bumpiest, longest way home and I’m not feeling well. She is talking and happy; I’m pretending to listen without booting. I’m now at 90% chance of booting and considering my options. Do I tell the cabby to pull over, can I make it home and save my reputation? How the hell am I going to fuck without booting? I can’t even ride in a cab and it happens. Major liquor boot is coming up my throat. I look for anything, damn it the window doesn’t work I need a bucket, God help me I don’t want to boot in a cab with a 10. God save my soul, I’ll do what ever you want. Become a monk. Build you a cathedral. Paint a Sistine Chapel. Confess my sins. Whatever you want, Lord. Help me, please!
Apparently, God was taking a shit that second and I boot. Somehow I catch it in my mouth without spraying it all over the back of the driver’s head. So there I am, mouth full of vomit, in a cab, with a 10. We have three blocks to go and an idea hits me. Keep it in your mouth and when the cab stops hop out and let it out on the other side of the car where no one will notice. She is still talking and has no idea the totally fucked, humiliating, disgusting, situation I’m in. Do you guys remember what it tasted like in your mouths for three blocks? No you don’t. I’m the only fucking person on earth who ever got stuck in this situation… Does my plan work? Do I still give her the serb fire or do I crash and burn? Buy my book, this is just one of the 43 page turning chapters…Link Below And dont forget bonus chapters never before seen in the blog.
And a Repost Reminder to get your free signed book below
In the spirit of Festivus (all religions and Seinfeld welcome here, I’m a half assed Buddhist) I’m offering a challenge to you America. I guess world at this point 9,000 disciples baby. From South Korea to North Dakota 63,734 views on this blog. I want you to go out and be Gentleman and Ladies. I want a video, picture or letter (not to long people) of you doing good deeds. Take out your neighbors trash. Pull over and help someone who is broken down. Save the girls field hockey team from getting raped. Should probably leave that one to me, but it made a great chapter for my book. Suit up and be nice America, to get a signed copy of my book Playing Your Hand Right: Showing America how to Live for Festivus. I will personally shimmy my scrauny self down your chimney like the fat dude in the red suit, and put it under the Festivous Pole. (Joking) To be entered for a chance to Win a signed Copy go to the books FB page (https://www.facebook.com/taylor.oceans.3) and like the page and in the comments tell me about your Christmas mitzvah. All comments will be entered for a chance to win a signed copy of the book. 2 winners will be chosen contest ends Christmas Eve 12/24/13. Be creative, funny and send all entries to firstname.lastname@example.org or post on face book. The winners will be posted on my blog and Face Book (Taylor Oceans) so you can share it with your friends and family. Not to mention the free book to start the new year with a laugh. Merry Festivus everyone!
Long Live the Writers
P.S. Since it’s my job to show you how to live America I will start the good deed book give away myself. I just sent two of my books to books for troops as my way of being a gentleman today. Every day be a Gentleman or Lady America. Here is the address. Mail then some stuff and take a pic of your package to win a free signed copy of my book. I will pick two winners. Get creative America and get to it America. This world doesn’t have to be such a piece of shit.
Hi Taylor Books for Troops – Donations can be mailed to…
Books for Troops c/o Ebony McMillan 112 Michael Ave East Hartford, CT 06108
Thank you so much for wanting to be apart of this project
WE HAVE OUR FIRST CONTESTANT ANYONE ELSE WANT TO STEP UP AND BE GENTLEMAN AND LADIES?
The first Contestant. Send your tales to email@example.com or post on the FB page (Taylor Oceans) to get a chance to win a free signed copy of my book. Two will be given away. Be Gentleman and Ladies America. Be the change. Now here is the first letter I have received.
I re-read your blog from Dec 13 this morning about helping someone. It was spontaneous,……I came out of a parking lot, walking, and there was this guy in a wheelchair having a hard time coming up a ramp. I thought of your instructions and I pushed him up the ramp. He looked so shocked. He turned around and said with such joy….”Happy Holidays”. I said “You too!” I had the warmest glow come over me from head to toe.