Rewind the tape I guess five years or so I don’t know I was high. The Olympics when the Russians invaded Georgia. I think it was the ww3 is going to happen about two or three world war 3 FOX news scares ago. I was a protester for SDS (Students for a Democratic Society) and actually still watched the news and for a brief moment got caught up in the hype. Me and my bro were convinced ww3 was days away. In panic we were convinced we needed to make preparations. To complete the image we were so high we were looking down on the space station. So what preparation do we make? TO THE ABC STORE TO BUY ALL THE STOLI VODKA. WE ARE GOING TO WAR WITH RUSSIA! So I grabbed a few pocket fulls of drug money and was off to the store. A shopping cart of Vodka later while shouting the sky is falling we returned to my house convinced paratroopers were due any minute like in Red Dawn. Images of hand to hand combat with para troopers over the vodka danced in our minds as we returned to my apartment. My bro was living on my couch. While unloading over 20 bottles (honestly cant remember how many I was high, but a cart full) our neighbors see us loaded with booze. I live down town and have taken some of my country hospitality to the city and its spreading. My block was at the time the most friendly block in the murder capital of America. We knew everyone and had joked about making bridges across the porches and fire escapes so we could just walk across. Be neighborly America it only makes life better. I can’t count how many times I have gone door to door with a dollar in my building asking for something I forgot to get at the food store for a hot date. Condoms included. 12 apartments in my building it always works and if not I know most of the people in the buildings next door and if that doesnt work they know me at the bar behind my house where I have bought onions, carrots and even raw steak over the bar. I was having a BBQ and more people showed up. Being neighborly makes life so much easier.
Enough preaching back to the 20+ bottles of booze and ww3. So my neighbors helped us take the vodka back into my house and being neighborly I gave them a shot for their help. Then a somber toast to the impending war. After that we toasted Russia the country we were about to give a missile enema to. Well then we had to toast our troops because none of us addicts were going, but we support the troops and hate the government. Then we had to toast the russian troops, because we dont discriminate. Then of course we had to toast the proud company stoli for making such good booze and we were going to miss it. Then the music was turned up and we toasted who ever was playing. Then more people heard the music and the SOP of the block is when my music is up come on in. I’m stuck in the 90 with no cell phone and have no intention of leaving. Then we toasted who ever came in. Then the troops again. I probably said a toast to good sex, but at this point it gets really blurry. Before I know it we are all (about 20 of us) on one of the front porches music cranked shouting the sky is falling and drinking to War and Peace. Suddenly I believe a stripper comes running, doing that Indian call when you put your hand over your mouth and scream like you just scalped someone, with my buddies underwear. Apparently he had gotten in bed with her and she out foxed him. Say what you want about strippers they can get a hustle on. She had told him to get completely naked the she would rock his world. Of course he did and she stole his underwear, ran out screaming with the scalp, boxers. I got a great picture of her nailing it to the ceiling of the front porch where it stayed for three months. My bro was not seen again that night. And thats it. I have no idea where I woke up but I will tell you I realized quickly that we had annihilated my stockpile of vodka. Knowing that ABC wouldn’t get more for a week I prayed for peace.
By the way the toast was one shot stoli in a shot glass, two part cranberry and one part red bull in a glass. Bomb the shot into the glass and chug. California car bomb, not to be confused with an orange crush that has more red bull in it.
Long live the writers
Yeah yeah need edits you grammer nazis can meet a Nuremburg writer I spelled that wrong on purpose just to make u mad. but this shit is free for you to read and it just started snowing so I’m 12 all over again. To the streets! O and be neighborly we will have a block snow ball fight like we do every year. Northside vs the southside. I highly recommend it and you can ski behind a truck (Taylor Oceans cannot be held responsible for injuries acquired from truck skiing into other cars, the rear end of the truck, trees, street lights or anything else under the sun.)