38. VALENTINE’S DAY DONE RIGHT

For those not celebrating S.A.D. day, here are some plans to celebrate the perfect day for her… First, you will send her to a Spa to have her nails done. A cheap way to do this is only 18 or 28 dollars. At least go for the 28, you cheap bastards. If you expect her to go through the breaking-in period of anal, get her fucking nails done. She can look at them when she bites the blanket.

Second, the flowers. Now I used to be worth half a million dollars at 24 so doing this on discount is new to me so if I can do it, shut the fuck up. I’ve had two strippers fighting over the numby on my cock (drugs are bad) with their tongues so all can do the couple shit if I can. At least get her two roses. Now men since we know shit about the price of flowers, here is a bone. Three red roses from the stand on the street for fifteen bucks is a fuck in the ass without the courtesy of a free drink.  If you don’t plan on going to a florist to get six roses for fifteen, you’re getting fucked. I did not plan, so the bitch on the street got her hustle on and got me good. So this is what you do. Get creative. When poor, I took two roses I paid 10 bucks for (my ass is sore), some baby’s breath, and this cool shit called thistle of life and some cool blue shit I at least talked her into including. Then I bound the stems with some bullshit twine I had laying around, cut the leg off some tuxedo pajama pants I had (don’t ask) and the chain from some dog tags, rolled it like a joint, and served it up well enough to make Martha Stewart’s pussy wet. Because men and I guess gay women, women want you to do shit that makes you think about them for about an hour. Now, when you include some good rum, perhaps some greens (in certain states), and a good documentary about the battle plan of Japan in the Pacific, you can arrange flowers without your balls retracting or packing up and leaving.  

Third, dinner… Her favorite restaurant. Now some would say make reservations. This is wrong. I just discovered this thing called a budget. It sucks. Take out is always cheaper, first and foremost, because no booze and LESS tip. Now fucks. I used to work in a restaurant and tip on take out. Not 20% and that’s 20% America they live on tips, tip 10% and be happy it’s just that shut the fuck up. Do it enough, and that restaurant will fucking love you, give you the best tables, and never spit in your food. Yeah, we really spit in your food, and I’ve seen worse. Try asshole gravy, cheap tip fuckers. We remember you.

Get takeout and let her stay in bed while you get it. Tell her to keep it warm. Start watching movies in the warm bed because it is February, get the take-out order and let her stay. She will fight you on this because women are “independent” now but don’t let her. For the record, if shit like this turns into a fight, let her win and come with you.

Get the food and get into bed. For the medal of anal, take a 5×2 board (Gentlemen are carpenters learn on your own time America) lay it at the foot of the bed and dinner is served. Put on the movie of her choice, Pretty Woman is acceptable and dig the fuck in. Since you’re eating at home, you can get your booze at the ABC, saving your money while getting her drunk in your bed. Do the math. The extra I just added tonight is this. Her favorite is Sushi, and you eat it with Sake. The catch is Sake is served at 98.4 degrees F°, Gentlemen. So when you go to the store, buy it, preheat some water in a pot, and put the bottle in the water half way with the top loose so that when it heats up it, doesn’t explode. I am not liable if you blow up, I did this once and the top thing sounds logical but I have no evidence it works aside from the passed out chick next to me while writing this.

Fourth, fifth, whatever is the sex toy. I’m a straight guy with a suitcase; I’m talking rolling luggage, full of toys and a sex swing bitches. Buy one. They rock. Guys, our cocks don’t vibrate at 500 RPMs. No shame in some mechanical help. We use bulldozers for houses, saws for carpentry, and all kinds of mechanical advantages in our over-complicated lives. Why not complicate the fuck out of sex too? Magic wand people. I gave her a cowgirl outfit, doggy style strap for shower sex, and some hot leggings that match the cowgirl outfit. Don’t force her to wear it tonight. Get her off (This may not include you. Valentine’s Day is her day. If she does get you off, she is a keeper), and feed her well. She is waking up, so I have to wrap up this chapter.

Gentlemen, if she doesn’t pass out well-fed, cummed, smiling, and losing her voice from screaming your name in the throes of passion, you’re not a Gentleman on Valentine’s Day.  Spoil her on this special day, and she will return it ten -fold.  Besides, she just wants to brag about getting spoiled to her friends.

I hope you enjoyed chapter 38 from my book and I welcome all feedback

Merry Christmas

Taylor Oceans

Long Live the Writers

6 thoughts on “38. VALENTINE’S DAY DONE RIGHT

  1. Mhm… I mean I’m classy abo it my endeavers but dang! Even in a relationship, if the man ain’t stepping it up for ocxasions… he does not derserve her.

      • Yes it was a compliment. Personally I don’t get down and dirty like you spoke about but… yeah if a guy really wants a good time, they gotta earn that shit. There are women in this world who know what their doing (if you know what i mean) and when men treat them as though they need to prove to the man their worth HIS time…there is a problem. Talented woman don’t give away their goods for free 😉 (hold for thought bubble)

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