My Life

Anyone who can’t admit to a mistake hasn’t learned from it yet 

So here is my story. I’ve sold, grown, and distributed drugs. Bought and sold sex. Abandoned those I loved when they were in need, and been abandoned by those I loved. I’ve pushed away those who loved me and called the scum of the earth friend and business partner. I’ve saved lives and contributed to the deaths of others. And not just strangers, those I called family. I’m not trying to justify my actions at the time I thought they were necessary. I will have to atone for my sins as we all do and not in a biblical sense. If you can’t live with yourself and what you have done you will never be happy. Am I a villain? I have been. Am I a hero? No, but I have done some great things. But isn’t that the duality of man.

So I guess I’ll start at the beginning. I was born in 1985 and like many in my generation I was raised to be a man by a woman. My Dad abandoned us when I was a child and the first memory is my sister holding me on the stairs telling me if it will be fine. I don’t know if that was the night he left I was to young but I learned the hard lesson that sometimes it will not be alright. I don’t really remember meeting my Dad when he came back, but I do remember knowing he was my Father as soon as I saw him.

My mother, sister, and I lived on the farm I was born on for four years. She worked as a secretary and lets say we were the bottom of the income bracket. Again I was too young to remember this but I heard stories of the three of us sleeping in the same bed by the fire place to keep warm. The house was built in the late 1800’s and was insulated by horse hair and newspaper. You could feel the breeze coming through the walls and windows. Nothing is as cold as that house in winter. My mother had to chop the wood since I was three, and my big sister was eight. Mom always told stories of this old man Henry who worked for my grandparents and would come by to help chop wood. According to my mother he kept us from freezing to death because anyone who has lived in a house that is heated by wood knows it takes literally a ton, on a regular basis.

We moved to a village about an hour from my farm to a house that, to say the least was a royal piece of shit. It had a hole in the front porch five feet by five feet with a board over it to cross so you could get into the front door. The kitchen plumbing was an engine hose, and it was heated by wood and the oldest oil heater imaginable. We called it home and started to fix it up. I will say that I was given the eye to see things for what they can be instead of the shit they normally are. I painted the walls from the floor to three feet high, my sister did the next two feet and my mother painted to the ceiling doing the ladder work. By now my mother who is really a genius (and not a Kanye West genius a real one) had started her own business in management consulting. Do you know how hard it is to get away with anything as a kid when your mother is a genius? She could have seen a spec of dirt on my shoes and told me what part of the swamp I was playing in instead of doing my homework. Ever seen the show Monk? She is that good without all the weird quarks.

So she was supporting us on her own with a little help from my sister’s dad’s child support. My Dad was not around. One week a month she would have to go on business and the coolest black woman would take care of us. I say that in retrospect at the time I’m sure I hated her she made me eat my veggies, but mom always said, and I believed it, that if the house was on fire she would have come out with me under one arm my sister under her other arm and hair on fire.

My mother married her third husband when I was seven years old, about the same time my dad came back. My dad moved on to the farm that I grew up on, and me my sister and my mother moved in with my new step dad and his three children. When they divorced I was 18 and I decided to move in with my dad who had just been diagnosed with HIV. I wanted to live with him to get to know him before he died. My mother taking this decision badly decided to move to Canada where she resides to this day. I lived with my dad and went to art school which were the best years of my life. I was a great student a great worker and an even better boyfriend. My life was going exactly where I wanted it to go and I was happy right up to the point where SWAT kicked in my door and threw me out of college. Damn marijuana Laws. At the same time my father’s condition was greatly deteriorating. I spent the next year trying to take care of my dad as best as a 20-year-old could do. Tragically my dad did not want to live and he stopped taking his medication. I couldn’t watch my dad slowly dying of AIDS in front of me so I ran away to the big city two and a half hours from my farm. I only saw my dad a few more times during most of which we fought until I get a call one night saying he is slipped into a coma and will be dead by morning. I went home to smoke weed, drink scotch and listen to Tom Petty with him for the last time. I had to blow the smoke in his face, use my fingers to put some scotch on his lips, which funny enough he quickly licked up; some of the last movements he ever made. He was dead in six hours.  What they dont tell you about AIDS is that you go crazy before you die my Dad wrote me out of the will.  I lost my Dad and the farm on the same day.  I lost my mind and my will to live and decided to try to get killed selling cocaine in the murder capital of America. I made half a million in two years.  Tragically I wasted it all on drugs, lap dances, my friends, ridiculous bar tabs exceeding ten grand in one night and the greatest BBQs by the river every day free for everyone of course.  You don’t really save when you expect to be killed at any moment.  When my partner was gunned down in a drive-by I decided to retire. I was ashamed when I looked in the mirror and I resolve to change. I decided to start my journey to become a gentleman.

Long Live the Writers

Taylor Oceans

Try my book

1,096 thoughts on “My Life

  1. You are a great writer, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! It’s great to see another aspiring writer online; ‘Long Live the Writer’ indeed!

  2. Hi Taylor,

    I love your blog and will have to check out your book!! Great stuff!! I think your story is one of courage and hope, and your word will help many. I also like how you’re still a young man and have so many people to reach. My story is similar to yours, I was an alcoholic and dug addict for 30 years…that’s why I started my ministry to help people like ourselves. Thank you for liking my blog post, it brought me to this great story!!

    Take care!

  3. Thanks for following by blog and leading me to you! I absolutely love the way you write, vulnerable writing, you put yourself out there completely naked and I love it. Those are the best kind of writers. Thanks for sharing your story with such honesty, I can’t wait to read more. I might as well buy your book! 🙂

  4. So glad you can write about your life! I wanted to thank you for the follow as well! Please be aware that my blog is a bilingual one. So you may get links to some poems in English as well as to some in Italian… Pictures, on the other hand, have no language barriers 😉
    Keep up the good work. Long live the writer indeed!

  5. Thanks for visiting my blog … Love your honesty here, I really appreciate it, having lived a hard life at times as well, and done some things I’m not proud of, but that have ultimately taught me a lot about myself.

  6. YIKES!!! well, thank you for following our blog tweegirloneblog, we hope to see you around more. I (Liezel) loved what I have read so far… About page and latest blog. Praying that you get enough people to buy your book, I am certainly wanting to. Peace and blessing.

  7. I applaud your honesty and sharing such heartaches with John Q. Public. Thanks for stopping by and following my blog, touch of home. I, too, have a bit of a background, I call it my ‘colorful’ life. I am a completely different person today. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    • now that is a fucking hook. you had me at stripper but snake dancer is a sweet bonus…Not sure why that would be a turn on but sue me although this one time I saw a stripper deep throat an entire banana. Yeah she got paid.

  8. Hi Taylor,
    Thanks for stopping by, I’m glad you liked my blog.
    It sounds like you’ve had a really interesting life. I’ll be sure to read your book now that I know about it.
    Strange how things turn out.
    Take care,

    • I guess im old school and techno dumb but it took way to long for me to figure out the pics are the links and people dont like giving all that information just to comment. Also the bold words are distracting to the reader. But well written and most people probably would know how to use your home page. Just a little crazy for me. In graphics and layout im of the K.I.S.S school keep it simple stupid. so my site is simple.

  9. Thanks for the follow on Growing Your Beautiful Life. You might also like me other blog, One Mom Talking. I do appreciate you telling your story. We all have a journey…

  10. Thanks for following my blog!
    You are exactly the kind of writer I need to learn from in terms of being candid and honest about yourself!
    Will have to check out your book some time! Good Luck!

    • First step pour rum and coke.
      Second pour rum and coke into head.
      Step three giving less a fuck about how the world can shit on you.
      Step four write it.
      Step five turn off phones and pagers during zombie outbreak
      Sorry watching world war Z for first time Tucker Max genius drink anytime they say zeek zombie or the like and everytime someone is infected. thanks for reading hit me up

      Look forward to your questions

    • man i was drunk hope i wasn’t perceived rude was making my rules like the back cover of zombie survival guide. Simply illustrating I normally write drunk. Thanks for stopping by. Happy to help anyway I can.

    • I get that a lot. No I read. I liked your post on going to the city and feeling uncomfortable. I’m from a 256 cattle farm myself and moving to the city was a big change, but now I love it. Turned off my TV. Now you guys entertain me. Great way to feel the pulse of the world, reading peoples blogs. Any who enjoy my tales.

  11. Good god, man. You couldn’t make this shit up.

    I think the terrible spelling and grammar adds a bit of charm and personality to it all – I don’t mean any offense by that. Typing drunk is fucking hard. An honest, balls out voice resonates, as you have clearly demonstrated. Not too many people have the guts to put themselves out there like that. There’s a whole world of people out there that wish they weren’t too afraid to tells their stories like you do. Well, who doesn’t want to hear about sex, strippers, drugs and off the hinges madness, anyway? You definitely have many tales to tell.

    Just read Accidentally on Purpose. “I call myself a half-assed Buddhist because I love Karma, but I treat my body like an amusement park not a temple…” Haha. GOLD. I like how you address your audience as America, even though I am not. I also don’t live in an igloo, but if you choose to visit Canada, come in the summer, and maybe we’ll share a bottle of Scotch. Think Detroit. the weather is no different there than in Toronto, really.

    ALSO, thanks for following my writing, and directing my attention to yours. I’m new to the blog world (first month) and there’s lots more to come. Most of it from a book I’ve written over the past few years called, A Fictional Painting of My Genitals. Let me know what you think.

    I’ll be back to read more when time permits, and maybe I’ll even buy your book. A gentleman needs money for those ladies.

  12. Wow, what a life. It’s very brave to put it out there but I’m sure many people can relate to what you have been through. Nobody is born perfect. We all need to go through bad times to discover who we really are. To be honest, thirty one years into my life and I’m STILL figuring out who I am 🙂 Thanks for the follow. Ros

  13. Hey, thanks for the like. I’m flattered..considering you have quite an audience of your own. My blogs will continue if you’re interested in passing back though. And dang–more importantly, thanks for leading me to your writing. It’s beyond engaging.

  14. Wow! Unbelievable rants here, Taylor. You are one sick pup, and I’m fairly certain you’ll know it’s a compliment! What a ride, and I will look into your book (I keep a running list of great reads and just added you to it; but, no can do w/ forking over the bucks now). Also, not sure how you found my blog, but appreciate the nod! You’re gonna be just fine!

  15. Taylor, thanks for your Follow on Sherbro Foundation and our work in rural Sierra Leone. I can see you are one who knows what it’s like to work and succeed against great adversity – like the people in Sierra Leone. Thanks for your interest. Enjoyed reading your blog.

  16. Life can be so seemingly unfair to us at times. I can imagine you must have thought and still think “But why me?”. I can’t imagine however, how many lives your story and your writing has touched. Thank you for your courage and thank you for taking the many second chances at life that people are often too hurt to take.

    And thank you for following my blog! Hope to read more of your work and I hope you enjoy mine as well

  17. I grew up on a farm, too. It’s hard enough without the trails you had to go through. I’m glad you found the strength through the situations in your life and have grown from them. I think we all need to try do that more often.

  18. Thanks for the flowers you laid on my blog. I read your autobio and you surely know a feller needs all the encouragement he can find.
    Good luck with your writing and publishing.

  19. Hi there!
    You liked my article about being broken, hopeless….. Blah blah blah…. You know the story….l you wrote about it yourself…. I want to thank you for being transparent…. Awesome! If you ever need or know anyone, male or female that shares the same struggles…. You can send them my way….l I have a list of safe places to go to….. It does not matter if it is drugs or just depression….l there is a way out of the pit!
    Blessings to you my friend!

  20. H1 Your life is every movement with All of the different rides in Disney World. Your book will cost nothing, in comparison, your voice of words, is a move camera–running all the time. You have out live, a life of its on. Be have and be Board. Bill

  21. Hey! I think I’ll have a great time following you! Thank you very much for liking my post! I’m now following you and keeping up with your posts 🙂
    xoxo Daisy!

  22. This is awesome! I work with young adults that have been involved with the justice system, ie most of them have spent too many of their 20 years locked up, selling drugs, on the streets, etc. So many of them will never tell their stories for various reasons, and I’ve been throwing around the idea of trying to 1) write a fiction piece attempting to capture the essence of their lives and how difficult it is to climb out of, to celebrate small successes and open peoples eyes or 2) putting together a collection of short stories profiling a number of them. I am so thrilled to have come across your book as an inspiration and as proof that sometimes you make it =) Keep it on!

    • yeah seems like my writing is perfect to those guidelines. Partly the reason for my writing to get other to be more honest. Hope my tales give you some good ideas for your book. If you were never a criminal yourself I would be happy to help with the character development of your book. A crime consultant if you will. I have known and shit worked with all types of criminals.

  23. Amazing story and extraordinary destiny so far! I admire your honesty, your courage and your talent…and your beautiful way of learning from life’s lessons. I know you’ll be a very successful (i think you already are) writer because you have so much to offer. And i consider you a hero…anybody who can start fresh using the past experiences to build a better future and influencing the lives of others by his writings is truly a hero in my eyes.
    Thank you for following my blog, i’m honored and it motivates me to keep writing. Best wishes for you, i know your amazing book will touch many hearts.

  24. Interesting life you’re treading…
    Wtf are you following me for…lol
    Next to you, I live the life of a slug
    Btw, slugs in BC are fucking huge
    I should thank you for the follow.
    With your group I’ll just shuffle along.
    Looking forward to reading more of your life and tales no doubt I’ll be HATFM.
    I’m off, got a date with some kush…yeah, am sure you know what that is 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s