America the book is done. It has finally been professionally edited. I would like to thank the couple hundred people who bought my rough book and gave it a 4.4 out of five on amazon.com. Maybe some day those rough drafts will be worth something. It all started two years ago. My friends and random people I met said you should write your stories. I blogged them and got over 11,000 disciples. It’s no secret I’m no writer. I’m here to show you how to live not write. My grammar is terrible, format atrocious, and at 29 I just learned their is only one space after sentences. But I wrote my story the best I could. The point is I was not afraid to make mistakes. To learn, strive, achieve, and challenge myself; that is my theme. Courage America. Weather you want to write, read, start some business or just fuck the shit out of your hot neighbor you need to challenge yourself. You need to be nervous at least once a day. When you are out of your element, that is when you find out what your made of. That is what I have tried to teach you America. The only way I know how. To use my life as a barometer of living. All of my mistakes, successes and hot ass I have gotten don’t define me. They only provide the starting point of my journey to become a Gentleman. It’s been a great life America. In honor of the book’s completion here is the post that started it all. Now properly edited from the final book. 900+ views in one day. When this story went viral I knew I was on to something. You gave me the confidence to keep writing, keep leading the way. You did that for me America. I will get you back by always telling the truth. Beautiful or ugly I will be honest with you at all times. Some of you must wonder if my tales are true. All I will say is I will never lie to my disciples or anyone else for that matter. I’m me. I’m Taylor mother fucking Oceans and this happened.
42. ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE
So one night, I invited a fuck buddy to come by for a night of kinky adulterism. I thought I was cool with all forms of sex till I met this chick. First she tried to finger my ass while blowing me. Not cool ladies. I felt a finger go from fondling balls to my no-no spot. After I removed my fingernails from the ceiling and climbed down, she explained to me that she had banged every guy she had been with. And I don’t mean bang in the good way. I told her not this horse. Line one found.
During another night of sexual shenanigans, she asked me to cut her with a dinner knife. Well, as well as she could ask through a ball gag while she was tied up in the entryway. I thought that would look great; the cops come in, see me with a dinner knife; woman tied up, death by thousand cuts, and boom: headshot. Thoughts of me being gunned down wearing nothing but a condom and holding a magic wand in one hand and a knife in the other was not exactly my kind of night. Also, the sight of blood makes me lightheaded and completely de-rected. Line two discovered.
During one night of sexcapades, I couldn’t recall which, we were having some drinks before the roll playing began. She would come in, bringing her bag of whatever hotness she would wear that night. We would catch up, have a few drinks, she would go change in the bedroom, I would set up that night’s fun, and it was on. Well, during one of these drinking and catching up chats we had a little bit more than usual to drink. I have a bar in my apartment, and I was behind it pouring champagne far too fast. We were talking, joking, having a good time; let’s face it ladies, I’m charming. I went to my fridge to get the third bottle of champagne, pull off the foil, wire, aim, fire.
Being the son of a chef and restaurant owner, I am normally one with the cork, but I try to refrain from firing one off in my apartment. You see, I’m a half-assed Buddhist and have a nice Buddha shrine in my living room. Buddha is cool with everything except being shot in the face with a cork and shattered on the floor. I call myself a half-assed Buddhist because I love Karma, but I treat my body like an amusement park, not a temple; hence half-assed.
So, there we are, hotness at the bar, me in the kitchen with a bottle in my hand and off goes the cork. Trying to impress her, I figure I will shoot the cork down my apartment and pour her a glass. In my haste, I didn’t aim properly, and the cork hit the wall across the room. I have both my hands on the bottle when I realize the cork has ricocheted off the wall and is coming straight at my eye at the speed of sound. I wondered what the trip to the hospital would be like. Yes, Doctor, I shot myself, but in my emotional throws, my suicide was foiled because instead of a gun I used a bottle of bubbly. How many times have I laughed at the warning labels on champagne bottles and the funny pictures of cartoons hitting themselves with a cork? Is it possible to have sex with a cork in my eye? I figured she would be a little turned off.
There I was, the “Master” trying to pour a glass of champagne for the “Slave” and the dipshit “Master” is going to blind himself with a cork. Premature corkulation. Why couldn’t my parents have said, “Be careful with the bottle of champagne; you’ll shoot your eye out?” I was great with the BB gun. The cork is getting closer to my face and now she realizes I’m about to be Kennedy-ed. Forget the magic bullet, look at this fucking cork. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her cover her mouth getting ready to laugh, scream, and sympathize. However, this turns out.
Suddenly, I realize time has stopped. I look at my dog, and a drop of drool is floating in the air below him frozen in time. A hummingbird is flying outside the window, and its wings are still.
All these thoughts and sights overwhelmed me, yet I couldn’t react to the damn cork about to headshot me. Frozen in time, unable to move, I awaited my inevitable corky fate. Time began again, and the cork closed in on its target. I braced for the impact of my masochistic bottle opening, when out of the corner of my eye I see a hand. Moving faster than a fat kid running down an ice cream truck, this hand rises to protect my face. I realize it’s my hand moving, and I’m drunker than I thought. I have somehow caught the cork.
Staring at my hand, like a kid who just caught his first fly ball, completely amazed by my subconscious drunken reflexes, I turn to her. She is sitting on the barstool staring at me as if I have just cured cancer while climbing Everest to save her from the abominable snowman. Wet. She couldn’t believe it. Had I done this on purpose or accident, she thought to herself. Is my “Master” really this good? Not sure what to do, I came to a sudden conclusion. I handed her the cork with all my misplaced bravado and simply said. “You like my new trick?” And it was on.
I still try to catch the cork when no one is around…
I’m never even close.
My most popular tale America. The rough book will be for sale on amazon for around another week. Frankly till I update the over complicated program, but since I’m legit not I’m busy as shit. It takes forever to make an honest buck. So stand by to buy the finished book sometime next week or take a sneak peek at the rough for only three bucks. Digital copy. The rough will never again be printed so own one of the few copies in print. Because I’m not stopping till I run this fucking writing biz just like I did in the coke trade. 11,000 followers without even trying, advertising, or knowing their are only one spaces after a sentence is a good enough start for me to own it. Fuck I rarely get the there’s right.
Long live the writers
Taylor Mother Fuckin Oceans
Now go out there and fuck your hot neighbor in the ass America. Make her scream “I’m a slut” right before you let her cum. Be sure to get “Thank you sir” when you are done with her body.
Link to my book on amazon below