America the book is ready and just a few days till its updated on Amazon. They move like old people fuck so in the mean time here is a chapter from my book to wet your whistle.
4. MY FIRST EXHIBITION
One night while my family vacationed at Virginia Beach, I went on one of my first adventures. Perhaps with some foresight I could have seen that I would live a crazy life, but, hey, hindsight is twenty-twenty. Time machine to 2001. Life was good; I was 14 and like many families in America, my parental units would communicate with elevated voices. During one of these information exchange sessions, I asked to go cruise the strip. Luckily, parents, no matter how much they care, can’t think about information exchange and child safety. I used this to my advantage. Some kids went and cried during a parental unit discussion, I got a new bike and leather jacket. They always just said yes. Why did no one else notice this?
It was midnight at Virginia Beach. The good old days. Hookers on the corners and crack heads mugging people in the alleys. As a 14-year-old from a village, all this fascinated me. I walked twenty blocks looking for something to do when I came across laser tag. Dear diary, “Jackpot”, said this 14-year-old boy. I walked in to find a girl, 16, with her little brother. Addendum to the diary, “Gigidy! Gigidy,” said this 14-year-old boy. Having had an older sister, I had learned the secrets of dealing with women at this young age—get the little brother in your pocket, and the older sister will eat out of your hand.
So, me, laser tag, midnight on Atlantic Avenue around 13th Street, cute girl my age, gigidy gigidy, and the little brother. Now she expected me to go and hit on her but that is a novice mistake. I go up to the kid, say let’s play, I’ll buy your ticket, and the game was afoot. Ever see Barney Stinson beat on little kids in How I Met Your Mother? Well, here was a 14-year-old holding down an 8-year-old shooting him in the chest. Even if I didn’t get laid, I was getting that high score and prize. So we finished our game; the kid was abused just enough to be able to walk, and I got the high score. Legen… wait for it so the little kid can get a glass of… dairy.
I left the arena to find the girl leaning on the pool table giving the fuck-me look. She told her 8-year-old brother to go back to the hotel, and I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t have cared less about his safety. I had just hit puberty. I knew women were involved, and I wanted it. Whatever that may be. The kid left, she looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted to go swimming? Do pigs lie in shit? I asked myself. Absolutely, I wanted to go swimming.
We crossed Atlantic Avenue, hit the beach, the clothes disappeared, and we are in the water. Now I’m man enough to admit that I hadn’t had sex before then, and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I will sadly claim to have dunked her once. I mean what the hell do 14-year-old kids do with girls? I had no idea. Porn took an hour to download just one picture in those days. Luckily, she took over and started to give me my first BJ. I have heard Navy Seals can hold their breath for six minutes, but she could have taught the school.
There I was, naked in the ocean, getting my dick sucked next to the fishing pier, looking at all the hotels when I noticed a flashlight coming down the beach. It was a good hundred yards away, but they were going to walk right by me. I was only in waist-deep water getting blown. That was when I discovered that I didn’t mind a crowd. I wasn’t going to stop her. Who cared? I was getting blown here. This entire time she hadn’t even come up for air. Probably because she was afraid I would dunk her again. So the flashlight got closer, and I saw that it was two people walking towards our pile of clothes. Closer, closer, still getting blown, closer. Holy shit, it is two cops. Closer, closer, and the light hit the clothes. I knew I was fucked. Just then, the light switched to me, and I was a naked deer in headlights getting a BJ. They shouted, “What the hell are you doing out there?” I replied, “Swimming!” while she sucked the hell out of me. I was so close to finishing.
“Well, get the hell out of the water. There was a shark attack last week, and they hunt at night,” they yell.
“I’m cool,” I reply.
“Get the hell out of the water, kid,” they repeat.
But I was so close to cumming in her mouth. I thought, who cares about the sharks. This was the greatest moment of my life.
“Get the fuck out of the water. You’re next to the fishing pier for Christ sakes. That water is filled with bait,” they said.
Greek tragedies know not my grief. I tapped her on the head, and she sucked harder. I continued to tap, and I guess, thinking she was getting closer, she just kept sucking harder. The cops began to whisper to themselves God knows what while I continued to tap her head harder and harder as she sucks harder and harder. Finally, I started to back away from GI Jane, and she comes to the surface. As she gasped for air, the cops began to die laughing. She was naked and tragically, waist-deep water didn’t cover her goodies. The cops were keeled over laughing while shouting, “Get out of the water, sharks.”
At the word “sharks,” GI Jane pulled a naked Jesus and proceeded to run on the water back to the beach bare-assed. I, rocking a hard-on she could have swung from, was more apprehensive. Sure, I will fuck in front of people, but to stand naked? What am I, a fucking art model? Then I remembered my favorite James Bond line, and I knew I would never get another chance to use it. As I walked out of the water, I raised my hands and said, “Sorry, you caught me with more than my hands up.” The cops fell over laughing, and I got dressed. They asked us for our information and frankly, I have forgotten her name. She will always be remembered as the chick at the beach or GI Jane for her breath-holding skills. The important part was her age. I was 14, but she was 16. Wow, an older woman who can drive; aren’t I a stud? The cops let us go and told me to go back to my hotel. On my way back, I was intercepted by my stepdad who told me my mom was driving her black Volvo on the boardwalk shouting my name looking for me. I was grounded for a long time, but it was well worth it.